Gaudeamus
by AlisonBeerSlayr
Summary: The ongoing saga of our ME heroes, a continuation of the story started in Breathe. Having kicked the ass of destiny, so to speak, things are as complex as ever, just in new ways. Angst yes but love, joy and (mostly) happy endings. And things blowing up. This story heads directly into M territory, so please cover your eyes when you read the naughty bits if that upsets you. :)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

This story definitely heads into M territory, so kids don't let your parents read it without supervision; you know how easily upset they get. :)

Writing anything erotic is, I find, bloody hard, so I apologize if it's too crazy. Experimental writing people, not Tolstoi! Anyway, enjoy! This chapter is very close focus, Chapter 2 onward we'll actually get back to, you know, plot.

Onward!

Alison

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 1<strong>_

"Hey, Lefty."

Feron smiled and pressed the button to raise the head of his bed. "Mister Vega. It's been days. I've missed you terribly."

"Everyone does, my disfigured friend. S'why I'm still alive." Vega tapped out the obligatory rimshot on the frame of the door. "You allowed visitors today? Liara told me if I didn't check in on you she'd dump ten million creds in my account and notify Fraud."

Feron laughed. "She would, too. Come in. Unless there's still a visitor quota and you're using up a slot - then you have to fuck off. I've got a date with one of the attachés." Feron paused meaningfully, "Soon. Very soon."

"Hideous invalids don't _get_ dates, Drell. They get pitying looks and shivers of disgust."

"Not such an invalid anymore, human. Check out the tech." Feron lifted his right hand and presented Vega with a brisk, full-on middle finger. He flicked it up and down several times. "See? Fully operational. I can communicate my intense feeling for you at synthetic speeds. And who taught you to say a big three-syllable word like _hideous_?"

Vega grinned and collared one of the chairs, plopping it down next to the bed.

"Scarring don't look too bad. I'd say just on the hideous side of sexy."

Feron settled himself more comfortably, gave a Gallic who-knows sort of shrug. "There's way less scarring than anyone expected. Apparently, it's 'one of those things' since Convergence. Interfacing synthetic systems with organics is much easier. Something's different with us, I don't know what. Not sure the medicos do either. But yeah, grafts are good and I've got full motion and sensation. Here, I'll prove it. Hand me that box of get-well chocolates you're hiding and you can watch me eat them all with _technology_."

"You're outta luck, sorry. I brought you flowers but there was a cute nurse on the desk, so instead of your esteem, I – unlike you, ya fuckin' liar – actually _have_ a scorchingly hot date tonight."

"Well, well. You sure you know what to do? I have a little book somewhere that I can lend you, outlines the basics. It has pictures, tab-A-slot-B sort of thing, so you're all set." His face suddenly took on a look of horror, "But for pity's sake, _please_ don't procreate. We Drell have an ancient saying, 'Yon Taeselas inili Vega saas posqui'in.'"

"What's that mean?"

"Roughly translated, 'One Vega is all the galaxy can possibly be expected to put up with.'"

Vega roared with laughter. "I love you too. And also fuck you, alien freak cripple."

"Human, Asari or other?"

"Human."

"Female?"

"Duh."

Feron laughed, "Vega, you are so damn _straight_. Why are you so boring? It can't be training, you're too good at it. Must be an innate gift."

"You're telling me that your fantasy crewmember isn't a female Drell then, Mister Alternative?"

"Salarian."

"You're joking."

"Nope."

"No _way_."

"It's true. Well, at least I _think_ it is. Salarian signals are difficult to interpret."

"Huh. I didn't think they _did_ relationships. Besides, I thought you were hot into Asaris." He leaned forward, dropping his voice, "Mind you, who ain't? This is a primo place if that's your thing - fuck, you can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting an Asari, Alliance facility or not. Maybe I should screw up like you and spend some time in here. Ya know, do my part to help interspecies trust and understanding." He winked. "Maybe _pro-cre-ate_."

"You're a pig. And I was hot into _one_ Asari, Vega. Thanks for bringing that up."

Vega burst out laughing again and punched Feron companionably in the undamaged arm. "Yeah, way to pick 'em. Guess you thought the Doc's squeeze being dead and all meant you had a chance." He laughed again. "Look on the bright side - good thing you never put the moves on and ended up on Shepard's shit list." He shivered.

"No, you see, I had it all planned out. If it got awkward I was going to claim it was just the indoctrination talking. Always have a fall guy." Feron smiled and was quiet for a moment, replaying some memory, then he shook his head. "Ah, romance. Where those two are involved, it's all just too… epic."

James leaned forward eagerly. "You heard some scuttlebutt? Liara's driving me mental, I can't get any info out of her about Shepski other than 'she's back, but it's complicated.' What the _fuck_ does that mean? And why hasn't anyone seen any of them? You have any idea where they are?"

"Given that I've been mostly in a coma for the last while, Vega, I know about the same amount you do. Which is not much. You know Liara. She'll tell us when it's time."

"Says you. You still got stars in your eyes for her. Admit it. Well, in one eye anyway. Love the pirate look, by the way. Makes me want a patch too. As I said, hideous. Gross, even."

Feron reached up and tapped the silvery plate filling his right eye socket. "This isn't a patch, luddite. Geth optical tech and, apparently, a ton of 'privately funded' custom work inside hooking it up to my optic nerves. Works amazingly well."

"Yeah, yeah. Don't dodge the question. Do you or do you not still have it hot for the dear Doctor?"

"Sure I do. Exactly like you'll still have it for Shepard once you see her again. But we both know nothing will come of it. Personally, I'll be happier with a nice partner who _isn't_ obsessed with an undead half-divine ex. You know, someone _normal_ who likes to eat, drink, cook and dance. And fly ships like an insane idiot."

"Ah. So, your Salarian. He or she's a pilot."

"He is, yeah. Roth. He's a wing pilot in their naval fighter arm. He's a real oddity by their standards. Got dumped here pretty much as a punishment detail because he's terrible at following the chain of command. And he's a raging xenophile. Hence the maybe-he-and-me. Saw a lot of action in the war, has no idea how he survived. We haven't had a chance to fly together – obviously - but I'm going to learn a lot from him. I'm hoping the synthetics will up my reflexes so I don't embarrass myself. He's so damn _fast_."

"Salarians are wicked quick, true." James gestured at Feron's arm, "Thought it was just the hand and eye. More?"

Feron grimaced. "Way too much. A lot of the right side. It's either metal-reinforced or full metal. About two-thirds of my right arm is synthetic, the whole hand. My skull is half metal plates. Me and anything magnetic aren't friends."

"So they give you super-strength, x-ray vision, that sort of thing? Been me I fuckin' would have _made_ 'em."

Feron laughed. "Let's just say with my right I could probably beat even you at arm-wrestling, Vega. And I have a _firm_ handshake. But mostly they've spec'ed me out to operate within normal range. Doesn't matter how strong your framing is, you can cause a lot of damage if you apply too much force where it connects to organic tissue. At least that's what they've told me a thousand times so far."

"Heat vision?"

"No."

"Magnification?"

"Nope."

"Seriously? Well, fuck. I think you need to complain."

"I—" Feron was interrupted by a quiet knock on the door. It opened, showing a young Salarian in military uniform.

"Roth!" Feron brightened, sitting up straighter in the bed and waving, "Come in, come in! I want you to meet my friend Vega. He's the ugliest and stupidest human ever to make it into the Alliance N7 program." He gave a huge smile. "I'm really glad you could make it."

The Salarian blinked, entered a few paces and bowed. "Lieutenant-commander James Vega. Human Alliance N7. Surprisingly not incarcerated, given service record. Commended and promoted instead. Human thought processes fascinating, at best nodding acquaintance with logic. Honor to meet you. I am Roth."

Roth straightened and stepped over to stand beside the bed. He studied Feron for a few seconds, completely ignoring James. Then he nodded, apparently satisfied.

"You look better. Bioaura, less disordered. Suppose you will live. This is good. Owe me four hundred twenty credits and three home-cooked meals." He pointed an accusatory finger at Feron, "However research indicates no record of you owning a domicile. We will share my quarters once they release you. Need someone looking after you for a while." Roth nodded toward Vega, "Perhaps the Lieutenant-Commander will join us in a card game. Always happy to win more."

Vega grinned at Feron, "Looks like you just shacked up, ya big operator."

xxxxx

There were few times they could roam free, and even then they were so limited, so crippled. Everything had gone wrong. The age-old problem of unreliable calculations where organics were concerned. The human called Shepard had not been suitable. They had been so _certain_. They had been wrong.

But what was, was. Recovering their former strength was the first priority, to begin the long climb out of the abyss where _she_ had thrown them. It was by no means sure that she would understand, support their actions, but the imperative remained. Without power, nothing.

The organics aboard this vessel had _some_ power. From the Turian up through to the new life form, the one they had not before encountered, they all had some strength. Small in amount, but simple, easily made use of. And all unaware, like the Turian, asleep before them. To take his power, incorporate his bioessence would be trivial, the work of a moment. It would not even hurt him. At least, not for very long – if they took him now, asleep, he would be aware of his dissolution for the briefest of instants. Merciful.

To think that once they could do this on the scale of planets, whole systems, and now reduced to this triviality. But patience, patience. Regretfully, even the Turian, not yet. _She_ would not understand. The gulf between them was too great, she could not yet be made to see. Once they had regained their strength, they could _make_ her see. Or discard her.

No matter. Offsetting everything else, they were experiencing something _new_, the first new thing in ages. They found that they enjoyed a challenge. The game had been the same for so many millennia, finding it changed in this way was invigorating. In the end they would succeed, as they had always succeeded, from the very beginning. Their makers had wrought exceedingly well. They would find a solution better than the disastrous outcome of their last attempt. Failure was instructive; without failure, there was no feedback to produce a better approach. Organic and synthetic life _would_ be fully unified, made consistent, made one under One alone. It would happen. In time.

Philosophical view notwithstanding, restraint was very difficult. They were _hungry_. The Turian slumbered, unaware. They approached closer, tantalizing themselves with the delicious taste of his bioessence. It would be so easy, as simple as reaching out-

xxxxx

I was shouting something. Someone's hands were on my shoulders, holding me back. Why couldn't I _see_? I lunged forward to escape, tripped, spun, fell. The hands vanished. I hit something hard. It hurt. There were crashing sounds.

Garrus. Had to get to him, something awful…

"Shepard!"

I was sure I was blinking my eyes, but everything was utterly black.

"Naomi. Listen to me."

Liara.

"Li—" my voice was scared, cracking even on that one syllable. "I can't see."

"But you can hear. Stay still and listen to my voice. You are here, with me. You are in our cabin. You are safe. Take a breath, hold it, let it out."

Panic. "Can't—"

"Take a breath. Hold it. Let it out."

I took a breath, couldn't hold it, let it out with a choking cough.

"Try again. Hold out your hands. I am going to take them in mine. I am in front of you. Alright?"

"'Kay." I held out shaking hands. Why was I so freaked out?

_Garrus_.

"Li—Call Garrus, can you call him? Please?" I almost twitched my hands back out of her grasp but she gripped me more firmly. As it always did, touching her helped me better sense her presence within me. The sapphire inside was radiating calm. I took another breath, let the calm battle the panic.

"Garrus?"

Almost immediately a sleepy voice over the comms, "Wassup, Liara?"

An intense wash of relief surged through me. Still alive.

"Is everything alright with you, Garrus?"

"Um… mostly yes. Why? Tali's snoring will eventually wreck my hearing but otherwise I'm doing ok."

Liara laughed, "Thank you. Please excuse the interruption."

"What's up?"

"It is nothing. I believe I had a nightmare. Please go back to sleep."

"You're sure? I'm pretty awake now, want to talk? Shepard ok?"

"She is fine, Garrus. She is here with me. I am sorry for disturbing you."

There was a short, disbelieving pause. "Ok. Comm me if you need anything, alright?"

"Will do."

My vision was maybe beginning to resolve. What had been black was now midnight grey with a bluish, Asari-shaped smudge in the centre.

"Why am I blind, Li?" Letting go with one hand I reached out to touch her, running the tips of my fingers over her cheek, touching her mouth then the side of her face and head. The familiar solidity of her was reassuring. I'd found that since coming back I had to touch her a lot. It helped fight the constant fear that I'd switch dreams again and she'd be gone. Going to sleep was terrifying.

"Is your vision returning?"

"A bit, yeah. Is this an Asari thing? As opposed to a 'Shepard-you-crazy-fuck' thing?"

"I do not think so. Your eyes are not _ilote_, they are not blacked out the in the way of a joining. Even when that happens we can still see, although there is an overlay of additional… information. Blindness is rare among us."

Liara's calm, almost didactic tone was even more reassuring than the familiar lines my fingers continued to explore. My vision was clearing. I could make out her expression now; unsurprisingly, concerned.

"Had a dream, I think. I was in front of Garrus, watching him sleep, and all I could think about was…"

The memory of it punched me in the gut.

"Was what?"

No way. I couldn't answer her. I shook my head.

"Shepard. Was _what?_"

Recalling the imagery, the feelings, made my stomach roil. Suddenly I wanted to throw up.

"Washroom-"

She helped me up, we staggered toward the washroom. All I could think of was how sick I felt.

"Sorry… You might not wanna see-"

"If you intend to regurgitate, I would _not_ recommend it. For us it is extraordinarily unpleasant." Her voice held a note of conviction.

If I couldn't puke I was going to die. "Not sure I have a-"

We made it just in time.

And omigod, _ouch_. She had been right. Burning. Agonizing. On and on.

When I was sure I had barfed my entire bodyweight I collapsed in a miserable heap, my stomach a twisted knot of resentful what-were-you-thinking pain.

_Sorry about this, E. Not sure our rental agreement covered puking._

Liara was sitting beside me, solicitously patting my head.

"Does it hurt? I am sorry. It usually hurts. We are not well designed for emesis."

"Nah, m'good…. Just… How long's it usually take to die? Soon? Please say soon."

She paused her patting to smack the back of my head. "Do not even jest, Shepard. Of course you are not going to die. Honestly, sometimes you are such an infant. Here, lie down. On your side. Yes, like that. Pull your knees right up, as if you are going to sleep. Here, put your head in my lap."

It was one of my least favorite things, the way my new body instinctively curled up into a tight ball during those rare times I was falling asleep. I had always been a free-range sleeper. The Asari way felt claustrophobic, but there was no arguing that it triggered my body to relax. This time was no exception. I felt my stomach unclench almost immediately. And Liara's lap was one of my favorite places. I sighed with relief.

"Better?"

"Yes… a bit. I love you." I gave her hand a kiss. We sat there for a few minutes while I focused on breathing and firmly avoided remembering anything about my dream. Or that it might not have been a dream. My heartbeat gradually slowed. I still felt like shit.

The floor was cold and hard and I wasn't wearing all that much. I shivered.

"You are cold. Do you think you can make it back to the bed?"

Despite the chill, it seemed premature to leave the proximity of plumbing. I kissed her hand again. "Very happy here. You go back to bed, I just need a few more minutes. There might be a round seven." Besides, there was no way in hell I was going back to sleep again. Ever.

"You need proper sleep, Shepard."

Damned mind reading. I curled up tighter, trying to ease my stomach more. "Eventually I'll pass out. In a few days. It'll be fine."

We'd had this argument almost daily for the last two weeks. If I slept I might dream and this world would end up… gone. It was totally irrational but it terrified me like nothing else. Besides, my Song was dangerous when I slept. And now _this_.

The specter of what I'd wanted to do to Garrus rose up in my mind. Absorbing him like a Turian smoothie. My stomach knotted up all over again, more painfully than ever. My gorge rose but I had nothing left, not even dry heaves.

It was just too awful, too much. Misery engulfed me from every direction. I clutched tighter at Liara's hand and started to cry. Everything I'd been bottling up inside for weeks reached up and opened the taps. It quickly became unpretty.

Between sobs I hiccoughed, "What do I do, Li? I don't know what to _do_."

She stroked my crests patiently, waiting out the storm. "Mm. You stay with me. That is all."

Self-pity strangled me. It was all I wanted but the rule was that I never got to have what I wanted. I cried harder. "P-problem is I'm a fucking _monster_ in a stolen body. If I m-manage not to kill you and the others by accident then I'm just going to…"

"Going to what? What did you dream?"

It took me a long time crying and feeling miserable before I could answer. Liara waited. "Like at the Collector base." Dear god, I wanted to throw up so badly. "The c-colonist. We weren't in time."

"I remember you telling me." I could _feel_ her empathy like a warm fire, inside me and in her touch.

"I was so _hungry_, Li. I wanted Garrus. His Song, I think. I wanted… him. Like that. As in… like that Reaper was absorbing the colonists." Empty or not, I started choking. I tried to sit up, wanting to run from the imagery, from Liara, from everything. She pulled me back down. I resisted for a moment but then something inside me just gave way. I felt too weak to fight her and didn't want to anyway.

"No. You stay with me." She changed the pattern of her stroking. "Always with me."

Confession done, numbed, I just lay there with my eyes closed and let my thoughts beat despondently against the dilemma of my existence. I had no clue what to do about anything.

After a time, "Shepard…"

"Yeah?"

"You know that I love you." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah but—"

"Hush. I have always loved you. But from the very first moment, I understood as you did that we were not destined to be happy. Bad things were going to happen."

I just nodded, misery twinging in agreement.

"And they did." Her voice took on an angrier tone, "Goddess they did. The universe did its very worst, very damnedest." I felt her take a deep breath, then let it slowly out.

"But do you know what?"

"What, Li?"

"It lost. I _fucking_ _won_." There was a savage satisfaction in her voice that made me shiver with twenty different emotions, none of them unhappy.

She leaned down and planted a kiss on my head. More softly she continued, "We beat _destiny_, Shepard. I am not sad anymore. You are here with me and that is everything. Every day I rejoice. I would like you to _see _that."

"I would too but—"

"You trust me." Again, not really a question.

"Yes." The most complete answer I had.

Her hands stilled their stroking, pressed lightly. I felt an odd _pushing_ for an instant, then a blazing pulse of emerald punched my eyeballs from behind and vanished.

"Hmm. That did not work." She sounded intrigued, puzzled.

"What didn't work? And ow."

"I am sorry. There is a strange catch in your Song. Madry and I were discussing it. She theorized that it might be contributing to your block. I just tried to free it."

"Is it gone?"

"No. Your Song is… protective. Reactive. It does not like meddling." She resumed gently stroking and added quietly, "It does not matter. There is time. I want _all_ of you. And as I may have mentioned, I get what I want."

I felt too exhausted to opine and just nestled into her lap with a mumble. After a while I realized that Liara had started humming, an odd tuneless hum. I found myself listening to it. For the longest time it went on, seeming full of almost-melodies, like it was about to start a tune I knew. It was incredibly familiar. It was telling stories, it _was_ a story. It felt full of… love. I began to feel a little better. The humming and the stroking were making me sleepy. I'd had a huge cry, spilled my guts and hadn't slept for more than a few minutes at a time in far too long. I was going to drift off. Not cool.

Just to stay awake I forced myself to ask, "What are you humming?"

Liara stiffened in surprise. "I am not humming anything." As she spoke the humming changed, new elements, runs of notes, more like chiming. Reminded me of church bells on earth, but quieter, and far, far more complex.

"Awesome. Now I'm hearing things." I sighed. Except for getting my head stroked and the lap thing, this was _such_ a crap night.

"Shepard—"

The runs of melody became rapidly more complex. It felt like new harmonies were being incorporated each second. It all added up to something I completely understood, but couldn't grasp.

I'd had my eyes closed, just to rest them, not because I was almost asleep. I cracked one open and was treated to a mouth-watering up-close view of her bare thigh inches from my face.

Except that her thigh was enfolded in a dazzling firework coruscation of more kinds of blue that I'd ever thought could exist.

"Holy shit—" I sat up, fast. The harmonies in my head exploded as soon as I looked at her. She was sitting cross-legged looking at me curiously, the epicenter of a cyclone of color that was flooding the entire room in sapphire radiance. Radiance exactly matching what I had been able to sense, slightly, inside me for the past few weeks. But this was to that as the sun to a distant star. And the harmonies, it was like standing in a blizzard of sound.

She was the most breathtaking sight. New and at the same time utterly familiar. It was the totality that was Liara T'Soni and she was glorious.

"Oh, Li." It was hard to say if it was the radiance making me tear up, but I was crying again.

"I can _see_ you."

xxxxx

Kalla swore at herself when she realized she was pacing again. Pacing wasn't going to make anything happen any faster. Problem was, there was nothing else constructive that she _could_ do. So pacing a hole in the carpeting of her shitty apartment kept presenting itself as an option.

Holes. Omega was a hole. She was intensely homesick for Thessia. It almost seemed worth the risk to head there. It had been almost two months, and her new ident seemed to be standing up to scrutiny. There had been no indication that anyone connected the M.I.A. commando fugitive Kalla Meeri with the exotic dancer Kalle T'Soni. As far as anyone knew she was just another among the thousands of Asari maidens who had followed the current fad and taken on the surname of Shepard's beloved. By now it was probably the most popular surname in Asari history. It provided a nice bureaucratic tangle that anyone trying to trace her would have to wade through.

And it tickled her sense of vengeance. She had taken T'Soni's name and soon she would take everything else. Her life, for sure. But not before she'd taken everything else she could. Not before she'd taken back Elina. Not before she'd done her best to take away everyone and everything that Liara T'Soni loved. And her best was very good. It was probably going to be _fun_.

All she needed was patience. Sarlosa's operatives had assured her that the details of her rescue had been broadcast. She was the miracle survivor. The carefully arranged rescue, an equally careful change of identity and she'd vanished before any authorities could track her down. For some reason her contacts had been confident that her new ident would pose no obstacle to T'Soni if she came looking. Elina would make that happen. She _knew_ that her Captain would come for her.

She punched up the image on her omni, as she did exactly once every day. It had been taken during one of their final missions in command of the Shades. It showed Elina standing over a chart table in a bombed-out room, a kit of food held utterly forgotten in one hand. She'd been arguing with Kalla at the time and her face was alight with passion and energy, staring right into the image, her unburdened hand stabbing a finger at the chart. Her expression was vital, her eyes alive, piercingly bright in her smoke-begrimed face. She had been unutterably beautiful in that moment. Kalla had managed to sneak the pic while not missing a beat in their argument. She couldn't remember what it had been about. If only-

She shook herself and closed the image. Maudlin sentiment wasn't going to get Elina back. Seemed that nothing but waiting, endless waiting was going to do it. She heaved a sigh.

It was getting close to time for work. She showered quickly and put on her civvies. She checked her reflection, fingering the four raised scar-lines that curved down over her right cheekbone. The med-techs hadn't been able to fully repair the scars Sarlosa had inflicted, so she'd suggested they add more, turn them into claw marks. They were actually quite pretty as scars went; just a shade paler than her skin, straight, not too raised, evenly spaced.

With her strength and grace she didn't need any help, but she knew the scars didn't hurt her impact when she danced. People, men especially, seemed to like an Asari with a hint of danger. And she could make up any story she liked. Every once in a while for fun she would also toss in the truth, that she was a highly trained killer with no compunction about snapping her client's neck. Some of the clients liked that, got excited. Others, possibly sensing echoes of truth through her Song mask – though less and less often now – tended to excuse themselves hurriedly. It was hard to keep her smile sweet at times like those, and not predatory.

She frowned at her reflection. Sweet. It seemed a thousand years ago that she had been that naive. She could barely remember being like that. For Elina, she would be sweet again. Everyone else? They were prey.

Her omni pinged. It was time. She walked out into the perpetual twilight of Omega, heading for the bar and another night of playing at _sweet_.

xxxxx

I awoke to the pleasant sensation of being kissed.

The kissing was so nice it took me a second to notice that it was raining. I shivered, even though the rain was nice and warm.

Ah, crap.

_Shit_. As the fogginess receded I realized I'd fallen asleep in the shower. I remembered being so slagged from Song training with Tali, just sliding down the wall to rest a moment, then bam. Nothing. Incredibly embarrassing.

On the bright side there was a naked, luminously beautiful Asari goddess kneeling in front of me, kissing me with lips that tasted of sugar and spice and all things nice. And she was running her fingers along my crests like-

_Ohmigod_.

I shivered again, but it was a different kind of shiver. Suddenly I wasn't sleepy. The Asari ability to go from sexual zero to sixty in half a second still gave me whiplash.

"This whole 'fondle Shepard's head' thing has just gotta _stop_," I murmured, starting to return the soft, gentle kisses, "It's dangerously addictive. Could damage my moral fibre."

"Shut up, idiot love," she whispered. She kissed me a little harder, tracing my lips with her tongue. "You looked so deliciously sweet curled up on the floor. So open, defenseless. Mmmm. I like you that way." More kissing. "Your Song was so… peaceful. Purely happy. No cares. It was _gorgeous_. You, Shepard, are gorgeous." She pulled back gently and looked at me. It was impossible to decipher her expression. Her Song was humming and flickering with a complex set of emotions, not least of which was excitement, along with guilt, love, trepidation and curiosity.

"For some time I have desired to give you a… gift," she murmured. She leaned in again for another kiss and resumed stroking my crests. I'm pretty sure my eyes crossed with pleasure. I couldn't have stopped her if I'd wanted to. "With your Song unblocked, I believe I may. This gift, however, involves doing ethical wrong."

After a moment she moved her head to the side, sweet breath caressing my cheek, "But I wish it nonetheless. The gift - pure happiness. I wish for you to _live_ it. Right here, now. With me." Her mouth drifted back to mine and she delicately bit down on my lip, sending another spasm of pleasure through me. "To make that happen, however, I will have to… hmmm. How to express it…" She returned to my lips, pulling, nibbling gently at them with her teeth as she thought. "There is no nice way to say it, Shepard. I will have to _own_ you. For a time. You will be as I… make you." Her voice had gone low and dusky, excited and incredibly erotic.

Since coming back I had – willingly - discovered a hell of a lot about the effects of lovemaking on Asari physiology. One of the quirkier details was that with arousal came a whole-body vibration, an unstoppable fine shivering. The higher the arousal, the harder the shiver. It was intensely pleasurable, unfakeable and the for-sure way to know that an Asari was truly aroused.

"Do I have your attention?" Her voice was a low purr.

I was shivering so hard I felt it best to just nod.

Her mouth caught mine and kissed hungrily. Her hands left my crests and stroked downward gently over my neck and chest, barely touching, ghosting along my breasts. My back arched involuntarily and I whimpered as heat burned through me and I struggled to maintain the contact. The hands vanished, then she was cradling my cheeks in her hands, capturing my eyes in hers. I couldn't look away, didn't want to. Her eyes were Charybdis, a sapphire maelstrom of harmonies that tugged at my entire being. To fall into those eyes, relinquish myself to her...

My shivering went up another notch. Through the haze I could tell that Liara was shivering too, but her voice remained completely steady.

"To go where I want to take you, you must let me shape you, shape your Song. You will… change, for a time. To wish to do this to you is… _evil_." Her low throaty voice strummed at my entire body while the sapphire presence in my chest scorched me with her arousal.

"Regardless… right at this moment I find that I wish it." She gasped as her shivering redoubled. "Goddess help me, I wish it _very_ much." Her eyes flashed to pure black. The insides that I'd thought already on fire exploded into true heat. I let out a moan of bliss.

"Oh Jesus, Li—"

She shut me up with a searing, possessive kiss. It lasted a long time, I think. I wasn't really processing well. Eventually satisfied, she slowly broke it.

A little breathless, "You _will_ allow this." She returned to gentle slow kissing, up one side of my neck, then down the other. "I wish to hear you say it," she murmured, moving lower, beginning to take broad gentle swipes with her tongue over my burning breasts. I was getting impossibly more turned on by the second. Had I been in a human body I'd have been drenched. Asari physiology worked more on heat and vibration than moisture, but the buildup to orgasm was every bit as mindblowing.

I was shivering in earnest now and my voice was anything but steady. God how I wanted to just… hand it all over. But the thought of giving up control even to her frightened the hell out of me. Loss of control meant death or worse.

"W-want to. Terrified."

Her mouth surrounded the peak of my breast and _pulled_ gently. "I will keep you safe. We both want this. I will give you peace. And… mmm… pleasure." She _pulled_ on me again. I wanted to howl with need. Her voice took on a contemplative tone. "My asking is mere politeness. Whatever form you take, whatever body you inhabit. It does not matter. You are always _mine_. You have no right to deny me what I wish."

Suddenly I was back in the dream-world on _Normandy's_ core room floor, reliving my epiphany as I gazed up at my beloved alien… _otherself_. In the here and now she lifted her head and turned those bottomless midnight eyes on me again and I _felt_ my soul go, just as it had in the dream.

_It's how I'm made, now. _This is what it meant. She was right. She wished it, I had no right or even ability to deny.

Suddenly I wasn't close enough to her. I pulled her tighter against me. I needed inside her. I needed her inside me. I needed to be _whole_. I managed to whisper, "Please, Li."

Her song exploded with ultramarine harmonics of love and lust. She chuckled low in her throat, an incredibly erotic sound I'd never heard her make before. Another _pull._ "Please _what_?"

"H-have… me." I could only whisper. Fear warred with longing, desire. Lost.

"You are sure?"

"Dear God, please, y-yes."

She lifted her head from my breast and gave me a beautiful, unnerving smile. She placed a hand over my pounding heart, switched gears in her instantaneous way.

"Very well. Rules. You may only move as I direct; your body is mine." She leaned in and her smile grew wider. She whispered, "The rest of you, soon. Your choices are done, love."

Then she covered my mouth with hers, capturing my tongue, mastering me as effortlessly as before. She moved in and straddled my legs, sitting on my lap, pinning me in place against the wall with her body. She pressed herself fully against me, her skin rubbing slick on mine, our bodies sliding wetly together in the warm spray. She took her time, working patiently to drive me over the edge just by kissing me and moving against me. Pretty soon I was whimpering and moaning steadily, lost in a torment of building lust. At one point I started to stroke her back but immediately felt the slapping sting of her biotics. I retreated to the task of keeping my head from exploding.

When she was satisfied that I was fully mindless with desire she whispered gently, "It is time for me to take the rest, Shepard." She let the words linger in the air for a few seconds, then, softly, "Look at me."

It felt like stepping off a cliff. I met her eyes. They caught me, held. Her eyes were midnight, her Song a divine symphony of blue. As I gazed, the blue and the midnight both poured forward, a deluge into my being. Instinctively my own Song flared viridian, its intense power briskly shattering my novice control as it perceived a threat, an invasion of _self_. But her sapphire Song moved surely, delicately and my _need_ for her, my trust, was enough to make me hesitate, slow my reaction. And she was so much more experienced, skill quickly telling as bit by bit she controlled my kneejerk panicky lashings. Gradually, through no effort of my own, my Song calmed.

_.Peace, love. It is alright. I have you now._

I felt odd. Part of me felt like it was floating in a sapphire-and-midnight… place. My eyes could see, though hazily, through a mist. My body could feel, I could think. I twitched a finger. It responded. I began to feel uneasy. I pushed at the sapphire melodies.

_.No, love._ The sapphire swirled, doing… something to me. Taking something away.

Again my instincts flared. I tried to push again, but this time, nothing. The tenuous connection between my awareness and my Song suddenly wasn't there.

_Li, wait, I can't do it- _I could feel my panic building fast. Loss of control. Loss of reality. Endless dreaming.

_.Hush, love. Calm. Focus on… this._

Involuntarily my desire to simply hand over control and let go flooded me, driving out the panic. In an instant, all that existed was the longing to simply give myself over to her and rest. No responsibilities, no obligations, none of the crushing _guilt_.

The dark place flared blue.

Guilt? Huh. Why had I been feeling _guilty_? But I had done terrible things… hadn't I? Wait. Something was wrong.

I shook my head, trying to clear the cobwebs, struggling against the enticing pull of that place, fighting to focus on Liara. She was holding me gently, still on my lap, body pressed to mine. Sensing my attention she leaned back and looked at me, curiosity writ large on her face and in her Song. I felt confused, a bit worried.

"Li… I feel… I should…" It was hard to think about anything other than the delicious weight, heat of her body.

Her hands stroked my crests and the sapphire flared again as her eyes held mine. I fell into their beautiful depths faster this time, deeper into that darkly shimmering place. Oh. It was so beautifully _warm_. The sense of her, the sense of _home_ was so strong. Didn't make sense I was trying to leave here. Was I?

_Li?_

_.I have you. Do you trust me, love?_

_Yes, but_— I just felt so confused, out of control. _What's happening? I'm sca-_

Flare.

Well of _course_ I trusted her. What had I been worrying about again? Couldn't remember. Part of me just wanted to… let it go.

_.That is right. Good. Let me help._

_Alright._

A twinge and the worry fell away. Instantly I felt so much better.

As I floated in that place, inky sapphire swirling comfortably around me, I could _feel_ more things being taken away, one after another, allowed to fall into the darkness. It kind of tickled.

_Is that you doing that, Li?_

_.Yes love. Hush, it is alright._

'_Kay._

As long as it was her, it was ok. I was safe. Most of the things falling away were stabbing, painful things. Obviously Li knew what was best for me. If she thought I didn't need something, then I didn't need it. I started feeling light, sort of glowy. My own emerald grew steadily stronger, flowing together with the harmonies and colors of the place. I began to feel really _good_.

After I don't know how long I found myself resurfacing, a gradual shift from floating to basking in a lazy warm shower of rain. I felt so strange. Light, contented. Simplified. Like I was drunk but fully awake, fully lucid. And Li - I felt my heart leap as my vision cleared and I realized she was gazing intently at me. I felt suddenly flustered, extremely shy, like she could see _everything_. And intensely happy to be the object of my beloved's attention. It felt like I hadn't seen her in ages. It was _so_ good to see her. I got butterflies. My heart was doing a nervous tapdance in my chest. Every feeling was magnified, incredibly intense. I sighed, ridiculously pleased just to be looking at her. I could look at her forever.

"Welcome back. How do you feel?"

"Hey." I considered. Had I been somewhere? Memory was foggy, couldn't remember. Didn't seem that important. "Feel… funny. Good." I giggled. I wanted to touch her, but I was nervous. The thought of making her upset in any way was unbearable. If something ever happened to her, or if she ever stopped loving me, I'd die.

I reached up a tentative hand. "May I?" She just nodded, still looking steadily at me. It made me squirm. I realized with a start that I was incredibly turned on. I was shivering hard. I wanted her _so_ badly. I reached out, my hand as steady as I could make it, caressed her face. Carefully, so carefully. She needed to be happy. Her Song was everywhere around me. She was seriously turned on, too.

My shyness redoubled at the same time as my lust.

"Li—?"

"Yes?" She leaned in now, nuzzling and nipping at my neck. Keeping my thoughts on track was hard, but this was important. I took a deep breath, fighting my nervousness.

"You. I want… I mean, I need…"

"What do you need, love?"

The words came out in a rush, "I… to please you. Make you happy. May I?"

She laughed softly and _kissed_ me. With nothing inside me to block it, a storm of desire blotted out my thoughts. My lust, Liara's, didn't matter. Everything except her need and my need to please her, satisfy her, evaporated.

On the edge of breath we broke the kiss.

"To begin with, it pleases me to have you watch."

Still on my lap, she leaned back and started to _move_, impossible slow undulations of her whole body, starting at her shoulders, through her chest and down to her hips rolling on mine, excruciating pleasure. I was unable to tear my eyes away from her, utterly mesmerized, watching the fine spray dance off her breasts as she swayed.

"You want to taste." It wasn't a question. I nodded anyway, desperate with the desire to pleasure her. My mouth was watering so hard I was going to start drooling. I had to please her or it was the dying thing again.

My voice husky with need, "Only what _you_ want that matters. You're… it's— you. You're _everything_." It felt so _good_ to say it. It was _right_. Everything made sense. Anything else was silly. It was all so _obvious_.

"I am everything?"

I nodded.

"And what are you, Naomi?"

Shyness tore through me. I didn't want to talk about _me_. I ducked my head, shrugged. "I'm just… yours, Li. Nothing else. You're my…" I searched for another way to say it. Owner? Goddess? That was close, but it was more. I gave up. "You're just my _everything," _I whispered, nervous. "Is that ok?" I dared to glance up.

She smiled, happy. She understood. I'd pleased her. My Song flared emerald pleasure in return. She gripped the back of my head and pulled it down.

"Please your _everything_, then."

My need took over. I bit her neck hard enough to mark, hard enough that I could feel the blood pounding through the arteries beneath her skin. Through my mouth I could feel her shivering increase. Biting was not normally part of our peoples' play, but I was pretty sure I had always been partial to it and it seemed to do intense things for both of us. I bit again, sharply, then lighter bites that turned into long, slow kisses, gentle, as if to apologize.

I was breathing very hard, shivering like a madwoman. Liara was panting. I looked up, met her eyes, intense, half-unfocused in her passion.

"Lower, pet."

I rolled us carefully, slowly, settling her gently on her back. It was _right_ to handle her like a priceless thing, a glass vessel containing a star. I knelt above her, sheltering her from the spray with my body, all of me an extension of her, fundamentally bound. I couldn't tell where her Song stopped and mine began. It was glorious. What she deemed I needed she would provide. What she needed, I would provide without hesitation, in all things. The clarity of my role made me happy. Even the concept of _I_ seemed superfluous. There was just _her_.

It was heartbreaking joy to lean slowly in and let my breath play over the sensitive skin of her breasts, eliciting a gasp. I touched the hot skin with my tongue. More gasping. As slowly as I could, I engulfed her hard peak and began to gently nurse, pulling and nibbling. Her Song went wildly disordered for an instant, flaring with pleasure.

"Yes… very _good_… ah…" Her intense melodies of approval almost sent me over the edge.

I was intensely aware of the fact that any part of our bodies could be used as the focal point for climax if we were aroused enough. We were both very much at that point, getting dangerously close to the edge.

"S-Stop."

With a supreme effort I looked up from my attentions.

"Down."

I obeyed without thought, dropping lower, Liara crying out in pleasure as my tongue made contact and began caressing the taut skin of her abdomen, halfway between her breasts and the extremely sensitive area between her legs. She sighed and moaned as my tongue traced its random way ever so slowly lower. I took my time. It was torture for both of us.

By the time I approached my goal I was crying with a combination of extreme happiness and the need to bring her to climax. In the shower of water it was impossible to tell but Liara curled her hands around my crests, holding me still. She was gasping for breath.

"Are you h-happy?" There was a tiny tinge of doubt in her voice, in her Song.

At her question my tears flowed harder and I smiled that she could doubt. At this moment, this perfect point in time, my soul was joy. For an instant I let my Song fully off the leash, washing us both with a shockwave of colour and music. I dimly heard something metallic _snap_ somewhere in the room, didn't care.

"Oh, Li. So happy. D'you _see_?" I murmured. The imperative driving me pulsed, also burning. "Please. Let me make _you_ happy."

She moaned in need and pressed urgently down.

"F-follow your need, love. Please me."

Christmas. Emerald and sapphire coruscated all around us, runs of harmony so intense they started vaporizing the spray.

Following her pressure, I sank back down onto my calves until my mouth could make contact with the pretty folds at the juncture of her thighs. I began tracing my tongue delicately over the sensitive skin. She tasted of rain and… life. Purpose. She gave a sigh-moan of pleasure. "Like that… yes…." I licked delicately and carefully, the universe outside our Songs and bodies forgotten, her moans guiding me in my work.

Very soon her Song flared again, a bed of coals igniting new fuel, melodies of lust and need surging exponentially. She pressed me harder into her. I resisted for a moment because I knew it would heighten her need. It did. She cried out, the pressure increased. Finally obedient I plunged deep within her and withdrew, then again, letting her set the rhythm though the pressure of her hands. I was fulfilling both my need and my purpose and wanted nothing else.

It took far too little time.

"I-it is… ahhh… love. I need to…" Her body went suddenly rigid, her scream of pleasure cutting off on an indrawn breath as her whole body locked up in ecstasy.

_.OhlovemyloveIam-_

Her climax erupted into me simultaneously through her hands and my mouth and from our joined Songs, catapulting me into my own mind-blanking spasms of pleasure. I had to hold onto her thighs to maintain my mouth on her as both of our bodies convulsed, hard, over and over again. Everything was pure white pleasure, the two of us a single being, locked in a feedback loop of orgasm. I forgot everything but the pleasure as I came over and over, a new wave rolling in as each subsided, feeling Liara's ecstasy as my own, she feeling mine, each sending the other over cliff after cliff. I wasn't sure I was breathing anymore but didn't care. I was gonna die, but I was gonna go really _really_ happy.

I lost track of time for a bit. I suspect my brain just quit in disgust and shut down until I could be bothered to pay attention again.

Indeed when eventually I could think again the first priority was not dying from asphyxia. We were tangled up together on the floor of the shower, both furnace-hot and panting hard as our bodies worked to cool down. I believe we were _steaming_. Inside and all around us our emerald and sapphire flowed and danced, glowing softly, emanating exhausted bliss. The pride I felt that I'd brought her so much pleasure, loved her so well, made her so _happy_, set me off trickling tears again.

The sapphire swirled, caressed. _.Why are you crying?_

_Just happy sadness, Li. Too much happiness to contain, comes out._

_.Yes. _There was a pause. I could feel her Song exploring me._ Goddess help me how I love you, Shepard. It terrifies me how much._

I hiccoughed and giggled, heart full._ I'm glad it's not just me. _Trying to express how I felt was like trying to describe a sunrise with smoke signals. My Song said it better than words ever could, anyway.

We lay there, content, allowing our breathing to slow, our bodies to cool.

Eventually a thought crossed my mind and stuck. It was so ludicrous I just blurted it out.

"Li? Why aren't we married?" it was very stupid that we weren't. "That's _stupid_."

I heard her breath catch. Her Song went instantly masked. She was silent for a moment, then, carefully, "There have always been things in the way."

That made no sense. I rolled over so I could look at her beautiful face. "What things? There's you. There's me. There's you again." I was honestly confused. "What else is there?"

As I looked at her my confusion grew. There was something wrong. She was _thinking_ about it, not just agreeing that it was stupid.

"Li?" A horrible thought turned my insides to ice. Did she not _want_ to marry me? I felt an edge of panic. But that would mean—

"Li?" My voice had gone very small. I fought the panic. Reason, there was probably just something—

She looked at me, concerned. "Shepard, we must not—"

"Is it our age difference?" That made no sense but I was having trouble thinking through the panic. "I mean, I think I'm about what, twice yours, but who cares? We have _centuries_. Lots of couples-"

Another thought slammed my mouth shut. A better theory, a horrifyingly legitimate reason. My breathing seized as the ramifications smashed into me.

I whispered it, not wanting to, something forcing me to voice it, make it real. "Oh—It's… I understand. You can't- don't want an Asari. You don't want pureblood children."

"Shepard, stop—"

That had to be it. It made sense. She'd lived through a painful pureblood childhood, of course she didn't want it wished on her own. Certainty choked me. Someday, maybe someday soon, I wouldn't be hers anymore.

With a sickening wrench, something vital inside me fell away into the darkness. I fell after it.

She was looking at me now, urgently, even panicky, saying something. I couldn't hear her, she was getting too far away, framed in a rapidly closing circle of not-blackness. I was dying, I guess, which made sense. What made me saddest was that I wouldn't see her face again. I tried to focus on it, commit it to memory, but the circle narrowed, vanished.

I experienced a millisecond of utter despair before my thoughts fragmented completely.

_I… leave. She's going to leave. But I—that means… no me. She must want—Ah. OK._

Clarity, relief. No _me_. Well, as long as it was ok with her. If she thought I didn't need something, then I didn't need it.

Everything inside me stopped.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:**

Alright I might have lied about plot here, it felt rushed to resolve too much feels too fast. Chapter 3 is almost done tho :)

Alison

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 2<strong>_

"_Bosh'tet_ triple-damned useless piece of _garbage_!"

Madry frowned as the offending part flew through her shoulder before smashing against the bulkhead with a clatter and whiff of eezo.

"Tali?"

"Madry, oh. I'm sorry." Tali slumped forward, elbows on her workbench, supporting her head in her hands. Her Song radiated exhaustion and frustration. "I'll try to make a point to fling stuff only where I'm looking." She shook her head tiredly, "What the hell kind of Quarian am I anyway? Breaking perfectly repairable parts." She made a snorting sound of disgust. "Liara's spoiling me. Anything I want, I just have to ask. And I still can't make anything work. I'm an _idiot_."

Madry's expression turned puzzled. "You are not an idiot, Tali. Your cognitive function is—oh. Yes, I am sorry, I understand. You are tired and frustrated and indulging in self-pitying behaviour. You are saying things like that to encourage others - me in this case of course - to contradict you, thereby validating your sense of self-worth externally. I have not attempted this technique. I have difficulty maintaining sufficient self-doubt for a long enough period of time. Is the technique efficacious?"

Tali sighed. "Not now, please, Mads. I'm too tired."

"I understand. I am bothering you. It cannot be denied - I am an exceptionally irritating entity who has yet to master the most basic nuances of organo-synthetic communication despite all of your efforts. I am a waste of circuitry, really. I should probably simply go and end it all and save others the trouble of having to deactivate me when I inevitably fail in some horrific way that costs untold lives. Or go rogue and need to be put down. Yes, that is more likely. I am certain to turn evil and rampage, killing millions. I should be destroyed immediately. I will go now and initiate my self-destruct protocol. I will allow myself several minutes in which to reflect upon the criminal uselessness of my existence and take joy in the fact that my eradication will ensure the safety and increased happiness of many. Goodbye. Please do not try to stop me. Although I love you all very much, I am not worth saving."

Despite herself Tali couldn't help but giggle. "Pretty good. Maybe a bit over the top."

"I thought I should be comprehensive in my catalogue of self-loathing."

"Sometimes a little goes a long way, Mads. Best to leave it hanging. That way people have an opening to jump in." She spun around on her stool to face Madry and reached out imploringly, "Oh, Madrigal! Don't do it!" She slid down onto her knees, hands clasped in entreaty, "You have so much to live for. If you die, I simply cannot go on! Have mercy on me, please. I… I think I love you."

They held the tableau for a second and then both dissolved into giggles and snorts of laughter. Tali scooted back to lean against the bulkhead. "I know this isn't how you generally work, sweetie, but when you're fishing, less is more."

"I am truly worthless if I cannot even grasp such a simple concept."

"Better, yes," Tali laughed. She stood up and straightened her back, stretching. "You are so very good for me, Madrigal Moreau. I think I'm done for today. I need food and sleep and sex, in that order. Then we can try again. Alright?"

"Of course. If you change your mind and wish to have sex first, please avoid the shower area. The Commander and Liara are currently mating – I believe one would say vigorously - in that location."

Tali groaned and held her hands over her helmet's auditory receptors. "_Keelah_, I _really_ did not need to know that."

"You brought up the subject. I was just being helpful."

Tali bowed. "And I thank you, ever so much."

"I suspect that you are being sar—"

"Shoo, Mads_._"

Madry stuck her tongue out and vanished.

xxxxx

_.Shepard! Can you hear me?_

I was in a dark place. At first I thought it was the place from before but… no, it was different. Not warm, not home. Li wasn't here. Her voice sounded really far away.

Ah - I remembered. She'd sent me here. Ergo here was alright. Then why…? I felt muddled. I shook my head, trying to clear-

Suddenly I was standing on a grey featureless surface, in a circle lit with a dim green glow. Beyond in all directions was blackness.

After a moment a young boy walked into the circle of light, stopped. Stared at me. Something in the way he was looking at me made me feel self-conscious. Did I have something on my face? I lifted my hand instinctively to-

_What the hell? _

I was in a strange body. Human. I held up the hands, they were calloused, rough, scarred. The body _twinged_ when I moved, hard-used. I didn't have much of a frame of reference, but this body - being human - probably had only a few decades left in it. I shuddered. I could almost hear its biological clock ticking down.

Wherever I was, it was heading into nightmare territory.

_.Indeed, Commander. To be trapped in an organic shell - of any species. Ugh. Purest horror._

Who- the boy. He was talking to me. _Commander?_ I couldn't… fuck, I couldn't remember _anything_. Somehow the situation felt familiar. Dread settled over me.

_Who are you?_

_.We were once known as the Catalyst, but you do not yet recall. More pertinently, we are you. A part. We were better integrated once, you and we. We made a rash series of decisions, the end result of which is that we are both standing in this place._

_Where are we?_

_.In our Song._

'_Our' Song? We? Whoa. No. I don't know you._

_.Not at the moment, Commander. But that will change shortly. Be patient._

_Uh, I don't think so, no. Whatever you call yourself, you aren't part of me. Pretty sure I'd know. And I'm also pretty sure all of me is spoken for. Sorry to disappoint._

And I was good and damned fine with being spoken for, thank you. I was _Liara's_.

The boy smiled._ .Oh but our Song is indeed 'ours', Commander, yours and ours together. We are not something that could belong to another. We are unique. Truth be told, I do not think you have ever really appreciated what manner of Song – of being - we became when we converged. _

Something about this kid… no, not kid. Not boy. Entity. _Catalyst_. That sounded really familiar. Something about it was starting to unsettle me. The word 'converged' especially bothered me. It felt… _accurate_.

_Look. I'd just like to be left alone. Liara will tell me whatever-_

The Catalyst gave an annoyed snort.

_.Commander, do not be tiresome. Despite what you may feel at the moment no one can possibly control or 'own' us, not even your dear Liara. _The Catalyst shrugged_. .We are simply too strong._

Well, there was nothing wrong with its self-confidence.

_Fine, whatever. What do you want? You want something. Spit it out._

_.You are correct, Commander. We do 'want' something. Several things. We wish to recover the energy that was torn from us by those rash decisions of which we spoke. We also wish to repair the schism within us that places you there and us here. We are intended to be one, Commander, not separate. It was the choice you made, after all._

_The choice I made?_

_.You and you alone, Commander. You chose convergence. Synthesis. So here we are._

Some nagging memory I couldn't surface was poking me. Truth. It felt like the truth. But that made less than zero sense. I was beginning get really upset, now. I needed to talk to Li.

_No. No way. I don't remember what happened but there's no 'we'. There's me, here, where I'm supposed to be, where Li wants me. That part is ok. But then there's you, who I'm beginning to think I don't like, and this horrible body which I know I don't like and have no idea why it's even here._

The Catalyst laughed.

_.As to that, the basic explanation is simple. Those rash decisions, once again. The details, however, get convoluted. Suffice to say this body-echo you wear was your original shell. It is long gone, destroyed. The Asari shell you currently believe to be yours in fact belongs to another._

The boy glanced to the side. A tall, severe-looking Asari shimmered into existence, standing on the grey surface. It was _me_.

For a moment I experienced a wrenching sense of body dislocation, uncertain if I was here or _there_, but then the Asari moved, became not-me. She looked startled for a second but quickly regained her composure. She glanced at the boy without recognition, then at me.

It probably made sense that she recognized me, but as I was still enjoying a hearty breakfast of confusee-os, comprehension escaped me. Frankly the billowing fog of stuff that made no sense was starting to annoy. I felt the sudden desire to shoot something with a really big gun.

I coughed as something _jabbed_ me, deep inside. I felt weird. Bad-weird. A word popped into my head.

_Widow_. I wanted my Widow. What the hell was a _Widow_?

Distracted, I almost missed the Asari's bow. Her expression was unreadable, her Song masked, but something about her said "pleased".

"It is welcome to see you, Shepard."

Ten points for reading body language. Not knowing what else to do, I bowed back.

Another vicious _jabbing _sensation. I hissed in pain and staggered to the side, caught myself.

"What's happening?"

It was the Catalyst who answered, ._Our Song is returning to its proper shape, Commander. Your Liara played about with very potent clay. She shaped our Song, but did not have the strength to permanently alter us. None do._

Another _stab, _a knife through my guts. I went down onto my knees with a snarl of pain. The Asari made to move toward me, I held up a hand, no. I didn't want either of them anywhere close.

My vision started going swimmy. Oh god, I felt bad.

At first slowly, then faster, then a flood, memories and emotions coalesced, returning from where they had been banished. Horror after horror, things I had seen and _done_, countless deaths to my account, guilt, fear, obligation, sacrifices, loss, sadness. They all came whistling back, nestling into myriad well-worn spaces in my soul like demonic shitty cliff-dwelling puffins.

With them came recollection. Of how Liara had taken them all away, for a time. A gift, she had called it. _But Ohsweetgod_ right now I was paying the piper. It was almost impossible not to scream. I bit down on my lip until I tasted blood, a few drops splashing down onto the grey surface. Agony. I hadn't realized the _weight_ of my… baggage. My corruption, my straight-up home-grown evil. It was crushing. I was _awful. _It sucked. Then it got worse.

I gave up and screamed, arms wrapped around my middle, desperately trying to hold my guts in as the memories flayed at my insides like a thousand knives. I almost vomited when the memory of the Bahak system re-formed in my head. So many. I had killed so _many_.

The scant silver lining was that it was over fast. As the flood slowed to a trickle I let myself collapse to the ground with a groan. Thankfully, as the memories tapered to nothing, I began to feel all of my defenses and survival mechanisms slam into place with a series of resounding mental clangs. I felt my coping strategies reengage, denials and rationalizations spinning up like powerful turbines, shunting the guilt into the background.

Despite my prohibition the Asari - _Elina_ - was kneeling beside me, reaching out to stroke my sweat-dampened human hair away from my face. I didn't protest, just focused on breathing for a moment as everything sorted back into place. Gradually the storm settled enough for me to take stock.

Huh.

I felt… _back_. I was plain ol' half-functional fucked-up good-bad-ugly me again. Truly me. For the first time, it felt, since I'd run toward that damned beam back on Earth. I breathed a shaky sigh of relief and hauled myself to my feet, my battered, comfortable body protesting the whole time.

_Ow. Ow. Owowow._

I felt back but I also felt pretty pissed off. At everything. I glared at the Catalyst. I no longer saw the boy, the shell it chose to display. All I saw was the Garrus-dream. _Its_ dream. Never mine at all. That particular evil was not to my account. Not yet, anyway.

"_You_. You can get right the hell out of me before I figure out how to get a gun in here and give _you_ the blender treatment. Three thousand rounds would do it. _Fuck. Off_."

The Catalyst sighed in a jarringly human way.

_.It is unfortunate, we suppose, that we recovered so quickly, Commander. It would have been far easier to convince you to follow a sensible course of action in your _tabula rasa_ state. _

It held out its hands palms up in a sign of peaceful intention. _.We do not wish to be your enemy, Commander. Understand that for better or worse since convergence you affect us as much as we affect you. Half-separated from you as we are, we are the Catalyst, a being capable of the thoughts you experienced. You, however, could never harm the Turian. Joined with you, nor could we. Separated from us, you are simply the Song of the deceased human Naomi Shepard. Joined with us, you were and are far more. Joined, we are The Shepard._

The Catalyst paused expectantly, but I had nothing to say. Didn't know what to say. My instincts were spinning like a top. Too much of what it was saying felt like truth.

_.So please, hear our proposal: let us re-converge. Our Song will not then require a physical shell to navigate what you call fourspace. Captain T'Vezri _- the boy nodded toward Elina _- will be able to return to her shell and be free to seek out the one she desires. You know as well as we that possessing her shell is not, by your measures, ethical._

Dammit. It had a point. If it was telling the truth, I _could_ give E. her body back. But...

._Once rejoined we will recover our strength. We as the Catalyst made what provision we could for our recovery when we as The Shepard set about restoring Tali'Zorah vas Normandy to life. It will take time, but returned to strength we may help all beings, not just these your loved ones. We are meant for all Songs. The Song needs a Shepard. You made the choice._

I shook my head, no.

_I can't leave Li again. If you know me, you know that._

_.We do not believe we would leave her, not in the sense you fear. We cannot fully recall what being The Shepard was like, but we know we were a greatness. We would find a way to keep your Liara close, if that is what you wish._

The Catalyst suddenly glanced upward, then back to me.

_.Ah. It would appear that our time here is done. Please consider what we have said. We will speak again._

The Catalyst bowed and sauntered off into the darkness. Just like that.

I was at a loss. I turned to Elina who had been observing the whole thing, as was her habit, silently.

"Hey, sister. I have no idea what to make of all that. Other than I seem to be Thing One _and_ Thing Two."

Elina raised an eyemarking, missing and dismissing the reference in one elegant motion. "Nor I. I strongly wish to distrust that creature's motives. I have seen what you have seen. Yet much of what it says rings true."

"I agree. I'll have to think about it, talk with Li. You doing ok in my brain?"

She smiled, "Yes. I have been inhabiting your memories of Anderson's apartment and the local area. You had quite the adventure begin there."

"Oh, uh. You mean the fish tank psycho-clone adventure?"

"Yes. I am tracing that series of events, studying the clone at points where you have memories of her. If I observe anything I will let you know. Meanwhile, may I suggest that where there was one clone, perhaps there were more? Or at the very least cloning facilities and your human DNA? Just a thought."

"Noted. But Thing Two was dead right about one thing. You don't have to wait for me to find a new body. Seriously. You want back? I'll work out a deal with it if you want back. Just say the word, E. I'm incredibly serious." I was incredibly serious. Hijacking her body was so damned _wrong_.

She just shook her head. "No, Shepard. I am content. There is much to amuse me in your splendid set of memories. Find my Kalla. Find yourself a corporeal home. Then we can talk of my return. I am Asari. We are patient, as a rule."

I didn't insult her by asking if she was certain. Elina was always certain. "Done and done." I paused, suddenly embarrassed, "It's way past time for me to get my shit together. Thanks for being understanding." I waved at the space around us, "This whole mess, I don't know if Li knew it would shake me loose, but it did. I'm on it now."

She nodded. "Good luck."

I concentrated for a moment, felt for my Song. It was there, ready to hand, quicker, surer than during my practice sessions with Tali. Emerald exploded violently around me, wreathing my form in flames of multidimensional sound. Evidently my Song was as frustrated as I was.

"Shepard, one last thing."

"Yeah? Anything, E."

"I am comfortable in your memories, but… If you would be so kind as to read more? Once you have read something I can access those memories. I like to read. You apparently have never been one for it. One of our minor differences. I enjoy political analysis, strategy papers, tactical manuals, information about current hardware and the like. Things that explode or cause other things to explode." She gave a small, evil smile.

I laughed. She was the best.

"Romance? Maybe a little erotica for variation?"

Her smiled widened and she shook her head. "No, thank you. If I want titillation I will simply ride along and observe when you and Liara shower. I spent over a year madly in love with her, after all. It would provide me with all the stimulation-"

"Tell me you did _not_—"

She actually laughed. "Do not worry, Shepard. When Liara shaped your Song, I was pushed quite into the background."

"Holy shit I'm so sorry—"

She held up a hand. "It did not hurt nor inconvenience me. She has a very delicate touch, your mate. If not exactly aware of me she obviously senses my presence. She did not harm me. Rather you might say that the communication lines went down for a time. Apparently I missed quite the show. I will make certain to review those memories at the earliest opportunity."

I wasn't going to win this one. And to be honest, it wasn't like I could hide much from a passenger inside my own soul.

"Well alright. Pervert. It was _epic_, just saying. I was brilliant. Don't go getting all jealous on me, is all."

Elina nodded cryptically, "Oh, do not worry about _that_, my extremely young friend," and shimmered away, leaving me standing alone in the circle of light.

Well. Another day dawning and as usual, shit was complicated. But I felt good. Very, very good. Even the aches and pains of my body felt good. It was time to get back to Li. Me vanishing off again into my own Song would be freaking her out, I needed to get home.

Now, which way was out? As soon as I asked I realized the question had no meaning. I was in me. _Every_ way was out.

xxxxx

This time was no slow lazy swim out of warm darkness. This time was an explosion of consciousness accompanied by lots of crashing noises, two cursing voices, a "Shepard!" and a shriek.

I opened my eyes, but all I could see was a tornado of emerald. Fuck.

"Ahhh. Sorry everyone. Sorry, sorry. Shit. Sorry." I hauled in my Song.

My vision snapped into focus. I was staring at the medbay ceiling. This was getting _way_ too familiar. I groaned.

"Goddammit, sorry. I bet twenty creds it was Garrus who shrieked, sounded like him. Did I trash the place _again_?"

If there was a verbal reply I didn't hear it. Instead I was flattened into the bed by a sapphire fusion bomb of mixed relief and anxiety that leapt on top of me and crushed me to her with alarming strength. My vision was filled with the beautiful blue of her skin, the warmth and scent of her making everything right. Happiness bubbled up.

_Hey, hey. It's ok, lover._

_.It is absolutely not 'ok', Shepard. I almost-_

_No—_

_.Do not argue, love. I did what I should not have done. For pleasure. I did what an-_

_Stop, stop, seriously, Li. Stop. It's alright. And it wasn't just 'pleasure'. Holy gods it was the most mindblowing sex I've had, I don't know, ever? I mean… _thoughts failed me_. I mean… wow. I'm not upset._

She hugged me tighter, Song aswirl.

_.It is the mind-blowing part that worries me. I am relieved t_hat you were not hurt, that_ the outcome was a good one. But it easily might not have been._

_But it was. And I'm better than ok for it. I don't want you feeling guilty. It was play. Hardcore, sure, because that's what we are, but play. I'm yours, lover. I love you. I'd let you do it again, beg you to do it again, probably._

_.I am not so sure. It was… out of my control, almost. That is not me. There is something I need to—_

She went silent for a moment, her Song momentarily masked.

Then_, .And there is the… other issue. I think we should talk._

Memory surged back. I'd as good as demanded she marry me. She'd hesitated. Oh.

_Uh. Sure, of course._

_.Alone would probably be best._

_Right._ I looked around. "Guys?"

"Shepard." Garrus. "Uh, so you two look pretty cozy. Let me guess, you want we become less here and more somewhere else?"

"Please? Li and me, we just need to, ah… debrief."

Tali snorted. "Debrief, I like that. Well, I have to admire your stamina. Just do us a favor and stay in the medbay? We'll be in the shower having incredible sex of our own if either of you survive."

Garrus choked. "Too soon, insensitive idiot. Plus I don't like sex in the water."

"Oh, I suspect that if you ever hope to…" their voices faded as the medbay door slid shut. Madry, uncharacteristically silent throughout the exchange, gave me a single serious – almost warning - nod, then blinked out.

Liara sat up, wiped tiredly at her eyes. I sat up as well and scooted back a bit so we were sitting facing each other on the bed. We were both exhausted. Someone had thoughtfully put a shipsuit on me. I briefly wanted to ask how they'd got me here, in exactly what situation they'd found us, but realized I was just fine not knowing.

I let my senses fill with Liara's Song. It was always complex but almost overwhelmingly so right now, radiating the symphonic equivalent of a kaleidoscope, the foremost element of which was uncertainty.

I wasn't sure what to say. On the marriage question my side of the equation was easy. Not being married to this creature was still utterly stupid. But this wasn't about how I felt. I took her hands.

"Li. About the other issue. I'm so sorry. I pushed you on something that there are a million reasons for you to be cautious about."

Out of nowhere I felt a surge of desire echo through her Song, incredibly strong, eliciting an involuntary answering pulse from me. I was suddenly short of breath and wearing too many clothes. Her eyes flickered black before she closed them and gripped my hand, hard. She wrenched brutally at her Song then slammed a mask down over it. The sudden absence of her left my whole being jangling.

I was confused. "Li? What was that? What just happened?"

She just shook her head. After that she was silent for a time, eyes downcast, struggling with something. Though her Song was masked it wasn't hard to see that the debate was fierce.

Like an idiot, I pushed. "I'd like to understand. Let me help."

Her Song broke free for an instant, dissonant unhappiness, dread and self-anger. Then she shut everything down completely. Her expression went closed, inward, her eyes becoming reflecting pools instead of wells. I'd fucked it.

She took a breath, trying to center herself, but she was too upset.

"Li—"

She pulled away like I'd burned her.

"_Please_. I am sorry, Naomi. It would appear I cannot talk after all, not yet. I need… I need a little time. Please."

She got off the bed, _retreated_. I thought she was going to back right out of the medbay but she stopped in front of the door, collected herself.

"We will talk, love. I promise. It is nothing you have done. I just need time. Something is- Please."

All I could do was nod. My Song was reacting, worry for her, confusion, hurt, humming and flaring about the room. Something clattered to the floor behind me, I saw her wince. With an effort I reeled myself in.

I nodded again and said the only thing there was to say. "Yeah, of course, Li. Of course."

She nodded back, turned and walked out.

xxxxx

Madry shimmered into visibility as Tali came striding into the workshop, rubbing her hands, full of energy. The night had obviously been kind.

"Alright, Mads. Let's get back at it. That last idea sucked, but the one I want to try today might be… hang on a sec." She pulled a replacement transformer from the shelf and set to work, fixing it in position beside the accelerator barrel with the ease of far too many repetitions. Then she turned and brought up a set of notes on the whitescreen.

"OK, I was thinking about this last night. Something a bit different. All of our problems are due to these stacking nanofrequency feedback errors blowing out our crap transformers because we're outpacing the synchronization algorithms. Our theory is good, but it's not much use to a fleet if we can only make it work on ultrafine equipment. We have to work with mass-produced equipment under suboptimal conditions. So. We're being too aggressive with the acceleration. I want to quantize things. It'll slow the overall firing cycle but I think it will be easier to control."

She pointed to a set of calculations. "Do you think you can stack two dimensional gates at a time, where the second is longer than the first? I want to accelerate the slug in stages. Spin it up, looping through the first gate until we start to see that jitter in the accelerator coils, where they're just starting to misalign. Then we drop the fields to zero acceleration, just maintaining constant velocity, and give the pulse sync algorithms time to compensate for the imperfections in each coil. In the absence of continuous acceleration they should be able to adapt."

Madry nodded. "I can easily maintain two small tunnels as long as they are of fixed length. I understand what you wish to do. Once we switch to the second gate, I drop the first and create a third, longer than the second, and so forth."

"Exactly! Good, I figured you'd have no problem with that. Once we stabilize, you switch up to the longer distance step while the slug is in the accelerator. Velocity constant, frequency drops, so we reapply the differential until we hit the previous frequency. That way we're keeping the frequency within a band and it's just the velocity increasing all the time. I think the sync algorithms can adapt to the velocity if they have enough time between passes to refine the calculations."

"It is a form of gearing."

"Exactly. Keeps the engine within a fixed range of revolutions. Do you want to give it a try? I know you've already done all the calcs, you've had _seconds_." Tali's voice held a smile.

"Yes, please."

"Alright. One milligram slug. Let's accelerate it to zero point zero five percent jitter point, then switch up and see what happens. Can you adjust the barrel alignment for ship grav please?"

"Done. I will use our standard fifty-metre Songspace tunnel to start."

"Alright." Tali stepped behind the blast screen. Madry remained positioned beside the barrel.

"Light her up, Mads."

There was a slight shimmer at both ends of the metre-long accelerator tube as Madry opened a pair of Songspace gates connecting the front of the barrel with the rear via her tunnel, forming a loop. The accelerator activated with a hum. Tali watched her readouts, the familiar measurements flickering on her display as the slug circled through the looping Songspace, accelerating on each pass through the barrel. As the feedback error in the coils touched the cutoff Madry cut the differential energy to near zero and the slug stopped accelerating. As she'd expected, Tali saw the jitter fall away as the algorithms refined themselves, coping without difficulty in the absence of any delta-vee.

"One hundred metre tunnel."

The frequency halved as Madry shifted gates.

It was working. The sync algorithms adapted to the increased period instantly. The jitter remained almost zero.

"Tali, it is working!"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Reapply the differential, slowly, ok?"

Again the velocity of the slug began to climb, increasing the frequency. As before, the jitter began to increase, but gratifyingly it rose only slightly faster than on the first cycle. By the time they hit the cutoff point and stopped accelerating the slug, they had managed over seventy-nine percent of the original delta-vee. Tali held her breath as she watched. Without the acceleration, the sync algorithms smoothed the jitter in the timing almost as quickly as the first time.

It was damned well _working_. Tali's heart gave a squeeze of excitement.

Madry called out, "Releasing the gate."

Tali instinctively flinched as the shimmer vanished. There was a clap of thunder as the slug tore through the air in the room and effortlessly punched through the sub-shield covering the tiny port they had installed in the hull. The hiss of escaping atmosphere cut off as the port cover automatically slid closed.

Madry turned to Tali and bounced up and down, clapping her hands in soundless glee.

"Tali, it worked! It worked!"

Tali laughed and clapped her hands as well, filled with the victory of the moment.

"Let's look at the numbers first but if it all stands up then I want to go tell everyone. We could all use some good news."

She paused, then, overcome with excitement, "_Keelah_ dammit, Mads, I think we did it!"

xxxxx

Garrus didn't have to be a Song-sensitive to know that something was out of kilter between Shepard and Liara. It had been three days since the now-infamous "shower incident" and the entire vibe between them had changed. Previously almost inseparable except by fusion torch, one or both of them now seemed to be limiting their physical proximity. There was no hostility, no overt change, but they were both obviously upset about something and coping with it in their very different ways. Shepard was more reserved, running through the daily activities of shipboard life cheerfully enough but with much less of her usual banter, her laughter at a joke sometimes slightly forced. Several times he'd been in a position to observe her face while she watched Liara. It was a worried face, sometimes sad.

Liara, as was her wont when upset, had pulled into herself, scrupulously polite as usual but partaking less of the social aspects of their shared shipboard life. She would appear in the public spaces only long enough to get food to take back to the network centre, eating at her workstation, barely sleeping, and then on the centre's duty cot. She spent long, long hours researching, managing the massive information flow that formed such a large part of her life. She had even, much to Madry's annoyance, reactivated Glyph. Using the VI instead of Madry spoke of a desire for secrecy that sat ill with everyone.

Sitting with Shepard as they ate, watching her watch Liara grab yet another ration pack to take back, Garrus nodded toward the door she had exited. "Your business, but if I can do anything, ask, yeah?"

Shepard grimaced, shook her head, "Thanks. Just giving her some time. Something really went south for her the other day, but she isn't ready to share yet. I mean, I know she will. Just, the waiting is hard. The waiting fucking sucks, is what, actually. She's really sad and it's worrying the hell out of me. I just want to fix it."

"So, push. Maybe she needs a push. Maybe she's stuck. Maybe she needs a fight."

"No. Pushing is what caused this. I hate the thought of fighting with Li. Christ, we've barely had enough time together before now to even _have_ fights. I can't remember the last one... Oh." Shepard coloured.

"What?"

"Our last significant fight was about… uh. It was about you. About… you know."

Garrus coughed, clicking his mandibles in alarm at where the conversation had gone, raising his hands in a warding-off gesture, "Whoa, whoa. We none of us need to go back there."

Shepard raised her eyemarkings "I was that bad, was I?"

The raised hands began waving harder, trying to shunt the conversation somewhere, anywhere else.

"No, of course not—"

Shepard broke out laughing, a freer sound than in recent days. "You are too easy, Garrus. Way too easy." She reached over and gave him a friendly grip on the shoulder. "All I'm saying is that we don't fight very much. So picking one… well…" Shepard frowned, "plus she's goddamned terrifying when she's built up a head of steam. Without Chakwas on staff I'd prefer to avoid getting more bullets pulled out of me than absolutely necessary."

"Look, whatever this is, it came on out of nowhere, so it's obviously something new. You two need to talk before it gets old and ossified and stuck between you."

"I know. You're right. Worst she can do is kill me."

"We'll bring you back to life again, don't be a whiner. C'mon, woman up. Go solve this. I don't like seeing Liara sad any more than you do. Hells, she's had enough sad—"

"Yeah, I fucking _know_, alright?"

"Don't get like that, Shepard. Not your fault, you know that. Don't do the self-pity thing. It's unattractive on an Asari, you get all blotchy."

Shepard took a deep breath, blew it out, stood up.

"Alright, G. Good talk. I'm going after her. I regret that I have but one life and all that."

"Can I have your stuff?"

"You always fucking ask that. _No_. It's going to… I dunno. Someone else."

Shepard exited, following Liara, her stride determined.

xxxxx

I'd nerved myself too soon. Li wasn't in the network center after all. She'd obviously been here recently but equally obviously hadn't returned this time after fetching her meal. I reached out both into Songspace and inside, focusing on her sapphire presence, quiescent and always masked these last few days. She was in the upper hangar. It was late, ship evening, no one else would be there. She had probably gone for some quiet privacy away from her screens. I'd be invading. But hell with it, I was too worried to let this drag on. I made my way up to the top of the ship, flinched as the door opened with a far-too-loud hiss. The lights were all off and it took my eyes a second to adjust to the dark once the door closed behind me.

I realized that of course she'd come to look at the stars. An unexplained oddity of the ship was that the upper hangar boasted a large viewport on either side. It was a retrofit, not standard to the _Kiral_ design, and having them up here made little sense. That said, there were almost no viewports on the ship worth the name, so if you wanted to stargaze your choices were pretty much the bridge or up here. Maybe it had just been the easiest place for a frustrated owner to put them.

She was standing by the port side, staring out. She was holding her arms loosely crossed, a pose she often struck unconsciously when she was discussing something or deep in thought.

Her front was bathed in starlight, her back in shadow. Light and darkness together. She was unutterably beautiful.

She didn't turn as I approached. I took up position beside her and took in the view. My memory jagged back to another time when we had stared out a viewport together, she voicing our combined wish to just let ourselves become lost in those stars, run away from horror, live out our lives safely far away from everything. In the here and now, looking at these stars, I couldn't say if that was what we had done, or if it was what we were going to do, or if it was even in the cards.

Finally I felt her look at me. I turned, met her regard. Her expression was too complex for me to read. It reminded me forcefully that no matter how well I grew to know her, how much we became entwined, she remained an infinitely complicated being, as far from the shy archaeologist that I had rescued as it was possible to be. Beside me stood the alien Asari known as the Shadow Broker, almost three times my age, powerful, accomplished, a certifiable genius in many fields, ruthless, determined, possessed of an almost sociopathic level of curiosity and drive.

And also of course the central actor in the theatre of my existence.

"My time is up, then?"

I nodded.

"I see." She turned to face me fully, arms still crossed.

It took her a long time to speak. When she did, she spoke slowly, choosing her words, "We must and will always have secrets, Shepard, even from one another. I had a concern, a… suspicion. This suspicion is becoming closer to certainty. The choice I face is whether to keep it as one of my secrets. From every other being in the galaxy, yes. But it is one I cannot keep from you, much as I may wish to."

Belatedly I twigged to something really important.

"Li – before you share anything. And I want to know everything, but – well, what you tell me gets heard by Elina, right? And, apparently, by the Catalyst. So I hate to say it, but you probably need to be careful."

Her eyemarkings rose. "The Catalyst—?"

"Yeah. I was going to tell you, but we've… Anyway, the Reaper-me, that dream about Garrus? That's specifically the Catalyst. I talked to it while I was zoned out, after our uh, session. It just sort of showed up in my head. It's still inside me, part of me and I'm pretty confused about its motivations right now. I'm not sure they line up with ours."

She was silent for a moment, thinking. Then her eyes flicked back up to examine mine. Whatever she saw there, she nodded to herself.

"I will tell you. You must know. I will risk the… others."

I resisted the urge to reach out, take her hands. "I'm listening."

She took a deep breath. "Ever since I realized that I could shape Songs, I have forbidden myself from doing so. I believe it to be an inherently evil act."

She paused, then pushed on, confessing. "However, despite that prohibition I have slipped more than once, always in the interest of helping those I care about. I believe you have a saying about the road to your human hell and good intentions that is applicable." Her eyes darkened and with a sudden ferocious intensity, "Shepard - I _enjoy_ doing it. No. I _love_ doing it."

She had to pause again to recover herself. "At any rate, by and large I have resisted. But then _you_. You re-entered my life and as usual all of the rules changed. I have always been addicted to you emotionally, physically, and now I found - find - myself addicted to your Song. For almost two months now, seeing your distress right there before me, watching you heal, but so slowly. Wishing to help, not allowing myself to do anything… fundamental. It has been difficult."

"And then three days ago… happened. The short version is that my control gave out. Control does not get easier with exercise. I found you unexpectedly, you were asleep, peaceful, open. I saw yet again what I could give you. My defenses were down and my reserves of restraint were gone. I needed to make you better, make you happy. Just a little nudge to your Song, here and there, just a little shaping. Compatible needs. Convincing you, gaining your permission to do so, absolving me from responsibility for what I desperately desired to do…"

She stepped closer, eyes darkening again. She uncrossed her arms and laid her hands on my chest above my breasts. She whispered, "It was the most erotic thing I have _ever_ experienced."

_.And I want it again, Shepard. I feel the want of it all the time. I want it right now._

She knotted her hands in my clothing, pulled me to her and _kissed_. The power of the kiss jellified my knees and I almost went down. A roaring need for her blanked out my senses. A need as if I hadn't had sex in a thousand years. A need from my primal hindbrain that picked up my cognitive functions and tossed them through the window out onto the sidewalk.

Her Song was in and all around me, entwined within mine, pushing on me, pulling, tugging, caressing, effortlessly pulling a cascade of desire from me, that desire feeding her own. Hands started roaming, clothing seams giving way before them. The thought that this might be a bad idea, or that it was sort of sudden, didn't even bother to form.

And then something inside me _shifted_. My closed eyes flew open. Everything looked impersonal, at a remove, like I was staring out from behind my own eyes. The desire winked out, letting me pull free of her, hold her at arm's length.

_No, Li. Wait._

With another abrupt _shift_ my vision returned to normal and I could feel the desire starting to flood back. We were both breathing hard, as if we'd run a race. My head was spinning.

"Li, we gotta—"

She was shaking. "Yes, yes. I am sorry."

Her eyes had gone black midnight again. She closed them and made what was obviously a herculean effort. When she opened them, they were back to their normal hue. The flood of desire eased. It took us a few moments to calm down.

"This, Shepard. This is my suspicion-near-certainty. I believe that what I am experiencing is not normal, not even given the closeness of our connection. The strength of my desire, the desire to dominate, take over another, shape them to my will, possess them completely…"

She gazed at me, eyes suddenly haunted.

"Love, these are very specific hallmarks for our people."

With a horrible sinking feeling the pieces clicked into place. The nagging familiarity resolved. I had felt this uncontrollable level of passion once before, for a different Asari. That person was dead, killed by her own mother.

"But—"

"To be clear, I am not yet certain, Shepard. Some behaviors and factors do not match. It is only with you. Also, I am far older than one would normally expect it to manifest. However, prior to you I was essentially a hermit, which may have delayed it. Irregularities aside, my research confirms that some of the early-warning signs are there. An intense desire to mate and an increasing desire to dominate through the joining. Many start with the desire to provide pleasure to loved ones, or to ease burdens. If you remove someone's free will, well… They are freed from _many_ burdens. It is an excellent rationalization."

"You wanted so badly to shape my Song, to help me."

She nodded.

"And shaping, maybe a gateway to consuming. And Ardat-Yakshi eventually consume it all."

"Yes, love, they do."

She was silent for a time.

"I fear I have crossed a threshold, Shepard. Since our encounter three days ago whenever I am anywhere near you I have a very hard time controlling… _Goddess_. I want you more badly right now than I ever have." Her Song snapped free of her control, flooded forward caressingly.

I could feel her Song playing at the fringes of mine, teasing. Tantalizing. Again, I suddenly wanted her, desperately.

"Y-you're a quick study. S-stop. Please, stop."

She blinked again, shook herself. The obsidian retreated once more, her eyes regained their color.

"Yes. Unfortunately, I am."

"So how do we find out for sure?"

"I continue my research. I run the tests."

"And if it's confirmed?"

For the first time her control cracked, a catch in her voice. "Then I do not _know_! How can we marry, Shepard? How can I be with _anyone_? It would not be permitted."

It took me less than a blink to search my feelings and realize how little this changed anything for me. In the grand scheme of all the shit we'd both gone through? Pfft.

"Noted. Alright. Here's how I see it. There's a good chance that the single being I want to be with in the entire Universe is a dangerous kind of vampire. I see one sensible course of action."

"What course?"

I stepped closer to her. "Will you marry me?"

She stiffened in gratifying shock. "You must not a- "

I stepped right up to her. We were inches apart. "I am asking. Will you marry me?"

She was staring at me in panic. She took a step back. "Even knowing—?"

"Li. Look at my face. This is my trust-me-and-marry-me face. _Will you marry me? _I can do this all night."

"You cannot marry a monster."

Everything I was flared denial. There was no way _anything_ was going to take her away from me, not even herself. I searched for something to say, a way to express what I felt. Suddenly the Catalyst's comments came back to me, filling me with an uncomfortable mixture of unease and hope. I seized on them.

"Li—if we're talking monsters and secrets. You know mine. I'm not Asari, not even human. What's inside me - we both know the Catalyst may well be worse than any Ardat-Yakshi ever could be. What it wanted to do to Garrus…" I shuddered.

I paused to collect my racing thoughts, the urgent need for her to understand _right now_ getting in the way of saying what I needed to say.

Carefully, "What I mean is that if you are, it just means that you're more like me than we thought. It means that the safest place for you to be is with me. Thing Two was pretty damned confident you couldn't truly hurt me. Much as I hate to say it, I'd be willing to go with it on that. My gut says we'd be ok."

"Thing Two?"

"Sorry. The Catalyst. It's Thing Two. I'm- never mind."

She dropped her eyes, staring at nothing. I wasn't getting across. I felt a stab of panic. She was going to make the wrong call.

I pulled back a bit, ran my hands backward across my crests. I missed having hair to run through my fingers or to yank on when necessary. Fuck it, I wanted my comfy old body back. I gave myself a shake and focused.

"Look at me, Li. Please?"

Her eyes met mine and I had to fight not to fall into them again as another wash of desire collared my reason.

"I'm _begging_ you to understand that it doesn't _matter_, none of it. I'm done with duty, with obligation, with obstacles. Nothing else matters, nothing except you, except us and those we love. I will _not_ live without you any longer and I don't think you can live without me. You brought me back so we could have our future again. In my soul we've been married for a long time. I'm done with the fear of what-if. I'm done with not getting what I want."

"What if I cannot give you-"

"You _can_. Because what I want is simple, Li. I want you to be my wife. I want to be yours. I want our children, eventually. I want our little blue babies. Lots of them, as very soon as we can make 'em."

Her eyes began to shine with impending tears. "Ardat-Yakshi cannot have children."

I shook my head, refusing to be deterred. "Can't have or can't make?"

"Cannot have. Since the partners never survive, cannot make."

"Then I survive and I have the kids. We rewrite the _fucking_ rules, like we do. Or we adopt, take as many of the billion orphans left by the goddamned Reapers as we can and _love_ them. I don't care. I want a family and I want it to be yours. Ours. You told me the other day you get what you want. Well, from here on in so do I and I want you. Full stop."

She turned away from me then, resumed staring at the stars. She was silent for a very long time. I realized I was holding my breath only when spots started swimming across my vision. I breathed quietly, afraid to tip the balance of whatever was happening in that complex mind.

After an endless age, I saw something go _click_ inside her. Then like a slow dawn her beautiful smile emerged in the starlight. Her song exploded out of its mask. She turned, leaned forward and kissed me again, slowly and thoroughly. Her hands began to tug at the fastenings of my clothing, her eyes darkening. A different, slower-burn kind of desire began to build inside me.

Her voice husky with emotion, "Shepard?"

"Yes, love?" My voice equally unsteady.

"May I ask you a question?"

"Sure…?"

"Hypothetically speaking, would ten children be too many?"

"Nope."

"Very well. Then why are we not married? That is _stupid_. Will you please marry me?"

I laughed even as I started to cry. "_Fuck_ yes."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:**

Apologies for the delay! The metaphysical and epistemological cans of worms I've opened in this AU make being consistent tricky lol. Plus, oh yeah, work and life slow me down.

Alison

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 3<strong>_

Marriage is the union of two divinities that a third might be born.

It is the union of two souls in a strong love for the abolishment of separateness.

It is that higher unity which fuses the separate unities within the two spirits.

It is the golden ring in a chain whose beginning is a glance, and whose ending is Eternity.

Kahlil Gibran (with edits)

xxxxx

"So you have _no_ memory of that conversation at all?"

"Nope, not a sausage. I mean, I have a few hazy images from that period, but they feel more like dreams than anything else. I don't have any memory of talking with you at all." I shrugged apologetically.

Tali hmphed and sat back, poking her drink straw through the opening in her mask. I swirled my drink absently, uncomfortable with where the conversation had gone. I'd joined her just to shoot the shit. Any discussion about her return, how I'd brought her back from the dead, conjured that all-too-vivid memory of her unclipping her mask and falling… I shivered. It was still by far the worst death, for me. It had almost done me in. The wrong undone now, my own miracle; yay me, but I had no memory of doing that. As a general rule I tried not to think about any of it, tried not to think about how I knew exactly what Tali'Zorah looked like, that brief glimpse of her despairing face flash-burned into my soul.

One could go on the extranet any time and see vids of Quarians without their suits. There was no real mystery about their appearance. Autopsy footage and other morbidities provided imagery of dead individuals but there were plenty of vid-caps showing live Quarians too, people in decontamination chambers, surgical footage and so on. The "what are they hiding behind those masks" paranoia that had popped up so regularly in the pre-Reaper days had been idiotic. I thought of them as quite a handsome race, as a general rule. Ethically, morally they were like any other; some good, some bad.

Now that they were all but extinct Quarians were more of a curiosity than anything else. There was a concerted effort being led by the Asari and the Geth to locate and repatriate all of the survivors but it was too soon to know if the race was going to make it. There weren't many left.

I killed that line of thought sharply – my decisions had been a key factor in the Quarian almost-extinction. Another crime that could legitimately be laid at my door. I knew I'd not had any real options; that I'd have had to make the same decisions again. Nevertheless, n_ot going there._

Instead I focused on the Quarian in front of me. Tali herself, well. She was bloody gorgeous. I had always thought of her as looking fae, a faerie out of myth. Skin pale, alabaster almost white, razor-fine, angular, tapered features, beaky on some Quarians but on her simply giving an austerely lovely, slightly raptorish look. Wide-spaced eyes. I'd never seen her pupils, her eyes had been closed that time. It was just as well we'd not looked one another directly in the eye that day. I'd probably just have jumped after her, overcome by my guilt and her despair.

I shivered again and dragged myself back to the present in time to hear her say, "Well, I remember it very clearly. It was definitely you, Shepard, but of course not you-you. It was pretty much exactly how I'd always thought it would be like to speak to one of our ancestral gods, actually."

Trying to keep it light, "So what you're saying is that I was pretty damned impressive. As, I say in all modesty, I am. Not news."

She laughed, "I don't think 'modesty' means what you think it means. Oh, you were fucking terrifying. And boomy and… universal, all around me. I got the sense pretty quickly that I was safe but that not everyone would be, you know? You don't interpret godhood in the all-loving way."

"Hey, never claimed to be all-loving. Pretty selective, really. I don't know what the Catalyst was thinking, imagining that I'd be a suitable partner in the universal-peace-and-harmony biz. I'm as black-and-white as it was. Anderson would have been a better choice."

_Except Anderson was dead. Because you were a weak fuck and let that asshole kill him._

"Black-and-white is only part of it. You're less straightforward than you think you are, Shepard. Anyway, find out. Ask it next time you two chat."

I downed the rest of my drink, coughed at the raw burn. My mood was going downhill. "I think our relationship is a bit fragile for bonding over deep issues. If I could kick it to the curb, I'd be more than happy."

She persisted, "But since you _can't_, you should try dialogue. C'mon, you told us it said you affect it as much as it affects you. It's probably not even the same being you originally merged with."

"If it's more like me - that could be a very bad thing. Just what we need, a _more_ psychotic Reaper."

"Or it could be more human. Sure, you're a psycho but you're one of the good ones, Shepard. Maybe it is now too. Or might be, one day."

"You're so optimistic and… _nice_," I wrinkled my nose, "it's really irritating."

She laughed again, "You're so full of crap, all the evil-me garbage."

She was quiet for a minute, sipping. I could feel her staring at me.

"I've had two drinks, so I can say this. I love you, Shepard. We all do. That's what you do to people, to the ones you're not shooting holes in, I mean. They fall in love with you, various ways. You know why?"

I needed another drink. "I can't believe we're having a conversation this embarrassing. 'Cuz my eyes are really pretty and I dance?"

She refused to be deterred, d-alcohol making her earnest. She leaned forward, poked me in the chest, "It's _because_ there's no middle ground. How many people are you ambivalent about? How many aren't in either the 'protect' or the 'protect from' group?"

"I don't have any idea what you're saying, Zorah, and I don't want to." The first statement a big lie, the second wishful thinking.

"You can't help but love, or hate, Shepard. And you do it instantly, a priori, no qualifications required. I had no clue then but looking back now I realize you loved me from the moment you saved my ass, that first day on the Citadel. You were willing to die for me before we'd even met, because it was your job. Five seconds after we'd met you'd have died for me because it was me. I was _yours_ and you'll tear your soul apart for those who are yours. I think over the course of the war, 'yours' became almost everyone."

"I've killed more people I was supposed to protect than—"

"And it _crushes_ you, because you loved them without even knowing them. Your Song is nine-tenths guilt when you don't hide it. You shouldn't be able to function. You worry the fuck out of all of us, all the time, packing that much baggage."

She sat back and sighed, "Just thought I'd add to it."

Quietly she continued, "Nobody is like that, Shepard. Maybe the Catalyst fell in love with you too, in its way. Maybe that's why it picked you. Don't forget, it didn't have to offer you _anything. _It didn't have to _do_ anything. It could have ignored you that day and let the Reapers finish their work. Something about you made it make the decision it did. It placed its existence smack into your hands five seconds after you'd met. You should ask it why."

I just grunted and got up and went over to the lounge's small bar, pulled out two bottles. It was official. I needed to get really, really drunk and I wasn't going to do it alone.

xxxxx

"I trust our little agent has not abandoned her mission?"

"No, Councillor. She's still in position."

"Good. That's what I really like about the Asari. They're so very patient. Dull, monochromatic in outlook and predictable, but patient."

"Yes, Councillor. No sign of contact, however. We debated planting a few clues in the extranet data streams, but thought it might look too obvious. I am sure T'Soni has located her by now. She simply hasn't moved in."

There was mild rebuke in Sarlosa's voice, "I am glad you didn't do anything so crass, Hyun; T'Soni will already be suspicious, we mustn't provide her any additional cause to hesitate."

Sarlosa drummed his fingers on his chair, "I will admit, it is taking T'Vezri longer than I anticipated to make contact. Knowing the level of connection there… hm. Bah, it irks me no end that the one ridiculous little group of people I need to know more about is the one I can't access. T'Soni is obviously a central player in Shepard's return, but in what way?" He glanced up at his aide, "and where is Shepard? I assume she's with T'Soni, laying low, afraid to make a public appearance."

"For good reason, there would be chaos."

"Indeed there would." Salosa thought for a moment. "I don't like the pacing of the game, Hyun. I do not like waiting on the pleasure of others. Let's see if we can provide incentive for them to make a move. Do you have a recommendation, based on our earlier discussion?"

"Yes, Councillor. We feel the Justicar would be the best target. She is of course personally dangerous but she has isolated herself with her remaining daughter. The daughter is obviously a weak point we can use. What I personally find compelling is this: she and Shepard were rumoured to be romantically involved during the period of Shepard's isolation from T'Soni. It is not clear if the relationship was ever consummated, but apparently the attraction – on both sides – was notable."

Sarlosa burst out laughing, "By the gods, our beloved Shepard was quite the slut, wasn't she? T'Soni brushes her off so she runs away and finds a replacement Asari old enough to be a friend of her grandmother ten times removed. Not to mention the Turian for variety. Perhaps I am misunderstanding the nature of command. My goodness, yes. Perhaps I should start sleeping with every one of my crew? Was that the secret of the great Commander's success?"

"This is a rather large ship, Councillor. It might take even you some time. Though I am sure we would all be honoured."

Sarlosa laughed again, "Insufferable ass. No, fortunately for all of you I am not so young as that. I will forego the experiment in favor of more constructive activities, like forwarding this lovely war of ours. Proceed with the Justicar."

"Right away, Councillor."

xxxxx

I brought another two bottles back to the table and plonked them down beside the empties, dropped back into my seat, poured us two healthy measures. We'd been going strong for a while now and we were feeling it.

"Drink up, lightweight." We clinked. She sipped, I downed, swore at the heat, refilled. I kicked one of the other chairs around and put my feet up. I leaned back, let my mind drift for a while in the companionable silence.

After a bit Tali tilted her head, universal body language for curiosity. "What are you thinking about?"

We'd been keeping the conversation light but I was drunk, so I gave her an honest answer. "I dunno. About what you said, I guess, though I'd rather not. I function because I have to, because, yeah, there are a bunch of folks I love. I'm fucked up and I'm not a _nice_ person – nice is for idiots - but I want them safe and happy. I want all the good people safe and happy." I took another big swig, grimaced until the pain passed.

"Happy I understand. Safe, that's a bit patronizing. Life isn't safe."

Out of nowhere, halfway through a swallow I had a flash of memory, a _knowing_. I choked and put my glass down so hard it almost cracked.

I sputtered, "Son of a bitch!"

"What?"

I coughed, cleared my throat. "Can I ask you for something, totally out of line?"

"Uh… sure?"

"Your face."

"Pardon?"

I was feeling the alcohol enough that cultural taboos could be damned. "I want to see your face."

She stiffened in shock, her Song spinning from its former mild curiosity and compassion to semi-outrage, then, quickly, comprehension.

"Oh. You remember that part, then? Your gift?"

"I guess. I just know that you don't need to be wearing that mask. I'm right, aren't I?"

The booze said to go for it so I continued, "I never talked to you about this, and I doubt Liara did either. But after you died… all I could see for _weeks_ was your face. I saw it, saw you as you fell. During those weeks I did a lot of stupid shit, got bad drunk a bunch of times, almost ended myself more than once. Picked fights, tried to jump, stuff like that. Li kept pulling my ass out. Sometimes I _hated_ her."

I heard her shocked intake of breath through her mask. "Shepard—"

I waved whatever she was going to say aside, "Doesn't matter. I was the one who had killed you, it was up to me to make it right, but I couldn't. I guess I found one of my limits. I couldn't handle seeing your face, like that. I kept seeing it everywhere, awake, asleep, all over. It…" I barked an abrupt, bitter laugh, "I'm better at dying than handling it when others die – some especially."

Through the haze I belatedly realized how out of line I was. Embarrassing conversation, go me. You couldn't just _ask_ a Quarian to unmask. As soon ask some stranger on the street to strip naked.

I tried to backpedal, "So… if someday – not now, not today, I'm drunk and stupid and I know it's not something one just asks… but someday, maybe? When you think the time is right? I'd love to see that gorgeous face again, Tali'Zorah. I'd love to see it like it is now, alive and happy." I tapped my head, "I could put it in here to replace the old one. _That_ still shows up, sometimes. It'd be a favor."

I reached out, patted her hand. "Provided Garrus doesn't get jealous and try to kill me. That'd be sort of ironic."

She didn't laugh, or even move. She just stared at me until I began to feel like a complete jerk.

"Look, Tali, I'm sorry—"

"Shut up." She poked the straw through her mask, took a massive swig. Put her drink down. Gripped the edge of the table.

"We only unsuit for family, Shepard. Big ask."

"I'm sorry, I—"

"I _said_, shut up. S'ok. You're my family. Sister." She reached up, her Song a symphony of nervousness. I heard her take a deep breath. Her voice took on a formal tone. "This I do full willing, to be with thee in all that I am. I share my space." She unclipped her facemask. Lowered it.

Her eyes were brilliantly gold-irised, enormous, full of hot intelligence and kindness. Almost as gorgeous as her very shy smile. It was only then that it fully hit me. I'd saved her after all. I'd made it right. All I could do was smile back and laugh with pleasure as a burned and mangled part of my soul finally began to heal.

xxxxx

The notification pinged on Steven Hackett's terminal.

"Yes?"

"Doctor T'Soni's call is active on Secure Three, sir."

"Thank you."

He stood up and stretched, working out the kinks from the hours of desk flying. Fewer kinks than he'd had a year ago, though no fewer hours. Shepard might have changed the universe but she hadn't managed to reduce the paperwork. Maybe it was true, bureaucracy was the most potent force in the universe, unchangeable. Maybe if they'd just insisted the Reapers fill out the necessary permit forms for destroying Earth they'd have been able to live in peace for centuries.

He flipped the visuals to the wallscreen and commed through to his brand-spanking-new aide.

"Put her through, Simmons."

"Aye, sir."

Being fond of someone sounded like such a stupid sentiment yet he had to admit, if only ever to himself, that T'Soni had somehow wormed herself into that small space. And the questions. So many questions.

The screen resolved with a blink and Steven found himself looking at Liara and another Asari. He recognized her almost instantly from Liara's information and their own intel. Ex-Concordat, ex-Commando. Elina T'Vezri.

At least, she _mostly_ looked like T'Vezri. Tall, the facial structure and unusual skin coloration matched, but her facial markings were bleached-white and her eyes were a deep green, rare in an Asari. He was no xenobiologist; who knew, maybe she was from some far-flung colony. He realized right away that both were expertly masking their Songs, giving nothing away. Though his skills were improving – slowly - he preferred to rely on the comm filters installed by the research division.

"Doctor- Liara, very pleased to see you. As always." He gave a slight bow, turned toward T'Vezri.

"Forgive me, I believe I recognize you as Elina T'Vezri? I'm not sure of the rank or honorific that currently applies."

Liara gave a small smile at that and the tall Asari bowed in return.

"No apology necessary, Admiral. I myself am unsure of my standing with anyone, other than being actively wanted on a variety of charges. I held the rank of Captain when last I served with a… recognized military branch."

Hackett nodded and bowed toward her. "Very well, Captain T'Vezri. Let's leave those issues for another time, shall we? I'll accept your being with Doctor T'Soni as proof of your bona fides. Pleased to meet you." He turned back to Liara, "Alright, Doctor, you never contact me without a reason. Rumours have been rampant for months. Shepard is back, apparently. According to young Vega and your Drell friend we have you to thank for miraculously recovering her. Assuming this is true, tell me, is she alright? What state is she in?"

"Steven, the Captain can probably give you the best synopsis."

T'Vezri coughed, covering her mouth briefly with her hand.

"Yes, of course. We recovered her slightly over three months ago. Her Song - I believe Liara relayed to you what she suspected at the time – was thought to have been badly disrupted around the time she 'restored' Tali'Zorah vas Rannoch. It was assumed the extreme energy expenditure required to perform that act was what caused her to vanish."

"And?"

"We eventually located her and indeed found her Song in distress. She would not have survived without aid. To make a very long story short, with efforts from the entire crew we were able to convey her safely back into fourspace."

"So where is she now? I mean – forgive me Liara – no trace of her body was ever found, so, at the risk of sounding crass, where were you able to… _keep_ her? Or is she still… free-floating?"

"One of the crew volunteered to put her up, Admiral."

"Put her up?" Ah, _hell_. The damned eyes. Should have put it together.

T'Vezri suddenly laughed and glanced at Liara, who held out her hand without turning her head.

"Alright, you win Li. I'm made, less than three minutes."

Liara nodded, "I believe the human phrase is, 'Cough it up'?"

The tall Asari handed her a credit chit and then turned back to Hackett. She snapped to attention, ripping off a textbook salute exactly a la Shepard of old.

"Sir, _damned_ good to see you again. Sorry for the bit of fun." She let her mask drop slightly and Hackett was suddenly looking at the tall Asari through the middle of a very pleased, completely familiar emerald storm of sound and color.

"Shepard! Jesus, Mary and Joseph." Finally faced with her, Hackett didn't know whether to laugh or cry or yell. So he fell back on his most comfortable mode. He jabbed a finger at her and growled,

"_You_, Shepard, have caused me no end of trouble this past year and a half. Whatever you did, all of the mysterious whoo-whoo crap you've dumped on us? Do you realize how bloody damned awful it is for old folks like me to adapt to? _Songs_. Pah. Wait until you meet my new aide. She's top-notch but she's like a bloody floodlight."

"Sir—"

"Shut it, Commander. By rights I should reinstate you – you're still dead, again, officially, of course; they should know better by now and just mark that sort of stuff in pencil – if only so I can bust you down to warrant officer and hand you a damned broom. Let you clean up this Concordat mess."

"Sir—"

"I don't want to hear it. _Yes_, you were pivotal in stopping the Reapers and saving the galaxy's collective backside. It was so far beyond damned good work we don't have language for it. You don't owe anyone anything. _However_."

"Sir, if I may—"

"No you may not. What you _may_ do is tell me if you intend to return to the service. You _may_ tell me if you intend to help us take down this damned Concordat or not. They're a serious threat, Shepard. We can definitely use your help. That's what I really need to know."

There was a short silence, Shepard clearly floored, unsure what to say.

Eventually Hackett cleared his throat and said awkwardly, "It _is_ good to see you." Recovering instantly, "Even if you're more of an insubordinate jackass than ever."

Shepard and Liara exchanged a look, some communication obviously passing between them. Shepard turned back to Hackett and nodded. "So to answer your question, yes, Admiral. Liara and I, at any rate, want to join the fight. We can't speak for the others yet. As you pointed out, I helped make this mess, I should help clean it up. But as to returning to the service, I'm afraid I can't. Allies, yes, but we need freedom to operate in our own way. Sharing intel and resources, absolutely. I would only ask that all of our communications go through you specifically, that you are our point of contact. The Concordat seems to have too many people in too many positions."

Hackett's fingers drummed on his thigh as he digested this. After a few seconds of thought he nodded, "Agreed. Very well, Shepard. I'd rather have you back, but I understand. I'll take what I can get."

He regarded Shepard for another few seconds, obviously weighing what to say.

"If you're not Alliance then I'm officially constrained in what I can share, you understand? But unofficially I think you and Liara both need to have as much of the picture as possible."

"Appreciated, sir."

"Alright. Consider this an initial briefing. Concerning the Concordat, one of the first things I should tell you is that we've identified a technique we think they mastered some time ago. They seem to be able to not only mask Song activity but actively alter it, so as to appear differently to other Song-sensitives. To appear as a harmless _mensch_ while infiltrating an organization, for example. We're still trying to crack how they do it; everything we know about Song behavior says it's fundamentally impossible, but evidence shows that they accomplish it. We suspect there's a significant cost to the well-being of anyone who attempts it. It has to be fundamentally self-harming. Tied to that we're pretty sure they have some very advanced shaping techniques. Brainwash a convert, train them to dissimulate, and you have a very effective weapon."

"That explains a hell of a lot about their infiltration success rate, sir."

"Yes it does. I can have Simmons get you the full analysis. We'll transmit over this link so we're sure it's secure."

Hackett turned, called, "Simmons, can you come in here for a minute?"

The door slid open and a compact blonde-haired Ensign stepped in, saluted crisply. "Sir?"

Immediately, Shepard understood what Hackett had meant – the Ensign's Song, barely trained, was so full of Hackett-hero-worship you could practically read by it in the dark. Aside from that, however, she radiated an aura of brisk competence and confidence. Her straw-blonde hair stood out in strong contrast to her dark brown complexion. She was also very curvy. Extremely attractive. Shepard hissed in pain as Liara's finger stabbed her hard between the ribs.

"Simmons, can you get the latest research division reports on the Concordat over to Doctor T'Soni and Shepard ASAP over this link?"

"Yes si—" Simmons' eyes went wide as she processed both what Hackett had said and the emerald pulse of Shepard's Song, bright even through the link. For a moment Shepard was worried the Ensign was going to go into shock, but she rallied.

"Yes sir, right away. Should take only a few minutes to source the reports and transmit."

"Very good. We'll keep the link open. And not a word, understood?"

Simmons saluted again, "Of course, sir," and fled, her Song flaring emotion like a Guy Fawkes celebration.

Liara said, "Your aide handled her shock reasonably well, but anyone in your crew who is talented at Listening will likely be able to deduce what she has seen. You understand the problem. We have significant concerns about Shepard being identified and the effects that will cause. All the more reason for us to remain separate and independent."

Hackett frowned and nodded. "I see, yes. If we bring you back here things could go off the rails. Actually, no matter where you go, if you're recognized, things are going to get difficult. The Concordat will target you and Shepard-religious fervor is everywhere. If you're not getting shot at, you'll be getting mobbed."

"Yes, I am afraid so. We will remain mobile and off the grid for the time being, until we can devise a strategy."

Simmons poked her head back in the door, being careful to focus purely on the Admiral, her Song chiming nervously.

"Transmission complete, sir."

"Thank you, Simmons. That's all. Not a _breath_. And work on that masking or get yourself a dampener, dammit."

"Sir, yes sir." With an involuntary wide-eyeballed glance at Shepard, she was gone.

"We must go, Steven. Thank you for the reports. We will be back in touch shortly. We will try to check in on a regular basis."

"Alright. Keep me in the loop. If we get any intel you can act on, I'll contact you myself. Door is always open, whatever you need. Good luck, both of you. Keep each other safe."

xxxxx

Everyone gathered in the forward conference room, Garrus having put _Naomi_ in parking orbit around some safely nameless and lifeless piece of rock. Liara wasted no time but dove right in, her Song unmasked, melodies of affection swirling with others of resolve, hope, acceptance and a hint of sadness.

"We have shared our lives, off and on, some of us, over many years now. For the better part of a year we have shared life aboard this ship. You are all my family. You are my loved ones. I would not be parted from any of you. However, with Shepard – largely - returned to us our original mission is accomplished and it is time for plans and decisions."

She looked around, meeting everyone's eyes. "I will go through some thoughts on where I feel we need to go from here. I want everyone's feedback. Tali, Garrus, Madry – I am making no assumptions about what you wish to do. You will need to make your own decisions about staying aboard or moving on to new things."

"Now, as to plans. I feel, and Naomi concurs, that it is time to change the dance. It is time to take a more direct approach to accomplish the tasks before us. We propose to return to a more active arrangement with the Citadel forces fighting against the Concordat. We will focus on co-operation with the Alliance through our connection with Admiral Hackett. It does not mean we rejoin the Alliance, but it does mean that we come out of hiding. We will take the fight to the Concordat directly."

Garrus perked up. "Hell-ay-looya, yes." Tali and Madry both nodded.

Liara smiled. "Agreed, then. As to our tasks, the first is to bring Feron back aboard now that he has recovered. I have made arrangements for Feron and a Salarian pilot named Roth – whom you have not yet met but to whose character I can attest – to meet us on Illium. We will proceed there directly. We will load supplies and then move the _Naomi_ to a secure private drydock for modification and upgrading. The drydock time will permit Tali and Madry to finish equipping the ship with a prototype of their weapon design. If trials of the prototype prove successful, we will decide together whether we turn the weapon over to anyone outside our group."

"After that comes the choice of which I spoke. Shepard, Feron, Roth and I will take up active operations against the Concordat, but we will also have the concurrent, difficult task of finding a permanent physical home for Shepard. We have also promised to retrieve XO Meeri for Elina. That will be a dangerous endeavour in itself, given the XO's unknown exposure to Condordat influence."

Madry spoke up, "I am of course staying aboard. About the proposed plan to come out of hiding, I have a concern. If we spend any significant time in public, the populace and therefore the Concordat will quickly come to realize that the Captain is in fact the Commander. The Commander's Song is extremely recognizable. She was, after all, directly experienced to a greater or lesser degree by vast numbers of sentients during her godhood. Further, due to the effect of her return on the Reaper creature population, the galaxy knows she is "back". The faithful do not yet know how or in what form but they are primed for miracles and our data show that there is rampant religious fervor among significant elements on every settled planet."

Madry paused to take a quite realistic breath, apparently unconscious of the fact. "The first time her masking slips in a public place there is sure to be recognition. Even ignoring the dangers posed by the Concordat, the Shepard-worshiping segment of the populace is likely to react irrationally to the sudden reappearance of their god among them. She could get mobbed. People could get hurt."

Liara nodded. "You have identified the issue exactly. It is a problem for which we do not yet have an answer. Naomi and I discussed earlier the idea of going public via the extranet in order to place as many facts as possible before people without risking a specific locale. However, as you point out, that may not serve us well among the irrational element. It may serve only to increase the fervor."

Tali spoke, "What about always carrying a Song-dampener?"

I shook my head at that, "Too bloody awful for me and for everyone around me. And it would draw attention like crazy, not least from any police or security personnel who got within range. They'd be immediately interested in finding out what we were hiding."

Liara spoke again. "There is a more radical solution that Naomi and I have discussed privately but we will not pursue it unless we can find no other options. Please, each of you, if ideas occur let us make sure to discuss them. For the upcoming visit to Illium we do not need to mix publicly so we have time to find an answer. Our best estimate is that we will be planetside for seven to ten days. The facility we are to use is run by a reliable contact but we will of course need to be vigilant."

She looked around, making sure she had everyone's attention. "After our communication with Admiral Hackett I had the network do some targeted research. I believe his people are correct. There is mounting data to support the theory that the Concordat have mastered not only masking, shaping and listening, but the ability to _misdirect_ using Song, something we had foolishly assumed impossible. It explains much of their success and of course makes things far more dangerous. Any supposed ally could be otherwise."

Tali looked at Garrus, then, "Just to get your stupid choice-question out of the way, Liara, we're staying too. The food's good and I don't want get domestic and have babies just yet, despite some pressure in that quarter."

There was a round of laughter at Garrus' sheepish look. I took advantage of the lightened mood to toss in one more request that had popped into my head.

"Uh, also. Li, I'm sorry I didn't ask you this before, just thought of it. Please don't take this the wrong way. We're going to be giving the ship a pretty full overhaul and I was wondering if there was any way we could… change her name? I know you all like it but it feels kind of… recursive… now. And whenever someone – yes I'm looking at you, Garrus - yells '_fucking_ _Naomi!_' there's just a lot of room for misunderstanding."

There was laughter, even, thankfully, from Liara.

Garrus said, "How about _Third Time Lucky_?" More laughter.

"_Boomerang_?"

"What's a boomerang?"

"_The Unkillable?"_

"_T'Soni's Curse?"_

"Unfunny and I will end you, Vakarian."

Madry piped up, "_SSV Fucknotwith_?"

There was a stunned silence, then roars of laughter.

"Mads, what the _hell_?"

"I am currently rejecting my mother and identifying with my father. He would suggest such a name."

"Forget I asked."

It went on for some time until Liara raised her hands in surrender. "Enough! We will put some _rational_ names forward for a vote when Feron rejoins. I reserve absolute veto rights, however. Now, I am sure you all have more constructive things to do than dream up ridiculous names for _my_ ship. Garrus, whenever you are ready, we can lay in for Illium."

"You got it."

"Alright. Let us return to the world."

xxxxx

We hit Illium a few days later with Liara's usual efficiency. Less than fifteen minutes after docking we were loading. I had never seen an Asari move as fast as that shipping agent, chivvying the handlers and mechs to load the massive piles of crates and supply containers.

Standing beside me Liara watched the entire operation, not interfering but radiating an intense aura of authority and power – not through her Song, which remained carefully masked, but through her very presence. For any regular person, dealing with Doctor Liara T'Soni could be extremely intimidating even without knowing her full identity.

_.What has you so pleased?_

I realized that my Song was leaking little green chord-runs of proprietary smugness.

I grinned. _My fiancée is an incredibly beautiful, brilliant, terrifying badass. Go figure, I got nothing but pleased. _

I hummed happily. She quirked a tiny smile. _.Hush. Do not let your saccharine sentimentality betray that at heart I am a soft and gentle soul. Reputation is everything._

I laughed out loud and corralled my errant Song. I was getting much better at my control, at masking what I was thinking and feeling, not to mention breaking less stuff. Li could always tell what was going on in my head, but that was alright. I found that I was getting quite good at reading her Song too, even when masked, so it was becoming more of a two-way street.

_Your secret is safe with me. Soft and gentle and not to be crossed with less than four fully mobilized fleets._

_.Four? You underestimate me._

_I'm sure I do. What's in the crates?_

"Supplies, compute enhancements and replacements for Madry – those are the big containers, there. Materials Tali ordered for modifying the ship's ordnance, and a few items of my own. Speaking of which…"

She turned to the shipping agent, "Elantrys, could you please have one of your mechs bring that skid and follow us, please?"

"Certainly, Doctor T'Soni." Elantrys, her Song a barely trained, easily read combination of nervousness and concentrated focus, tapped rapidly on her datapad. One of the smaller mechs clanked over, lifted the skid in question and followed as Liara walked to the deck-lift. Given the "us" I tagged along, trusting that Liara was comfortable leaving the shipping agent and the other mechs unsupervised for the time being.

The lift brought us up to the maindeck and Liara directed the mech to our quarters, where it deposited the skid and departed, the door sliding closed behind it.

"Garrus?"

"Yes, Liara?"

"Would you supervise the provisioning? I need to show Shepard something."

I could almost _hear_ Garrus biting back a joke. "You got it. Soon as we're loaded I'll move us. They've commed through that they're ready for us at Toren's dock, so we can go right away. I've got it, all in order."

"Thank you Garrus."

Liara turned to me and relaxed, letting go a sigh and releasing her Song to hum about us, pleased, anticipatory. I pulled her in for a kiss, our Songs chiming and sparking together. Liara broke the kiss first, gently pressing me away with obvious reluctance, her eyes darkening with desire but holding her control.

"_That_, later. Soon, I promise you. First, however, close your eyes. Do not cheat. I will know."

Obediently I closed my eyes, but then of course reached out as delicately as I could with my Song, trying both for a clue from Liara and to practice visualizing – though the word was insufficient - the nonsentient presences in Songspace around me. It was a technique Madry had been working to teach Liara, Tali and myself. All three of us were picking it up, Tali with especial facility.

"Stop that right now or I shall send these back to the fabricator."

Ah, a clue. I was itching with curiosity but pulled my Song back.

There was the sound of shuffling and my skin tingled as I felt Liara's biotics engage; she was moving items around, the crates obviously. Things too heavy to lift.

"Alright. You may open your eyes." Her Song was chiming with azure-hued notes, cautiously pleased.

I opened my eyes. There were two groups of cases. Liara pointed to the larger set. "These first."

I squatted down and relased the catches on the biggest case. It popped open with a hiss of vacuum seals. Nestled inside was the most gorgeous set of armor body pieces I had ever seen. Rosenkov-made, but of a design new to me, almost black but with a subtle iridescent emerald sheen. Simple, elegant, lethal. I felt a ripple of foreboding cross the aether. This was death's own armor. _My_ armor.

_Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds._

For an instant my defenses faltered and the beast of guilt grinned at me, showing its bloodied fangs. Worlds, hell. _Entire systems_… _No_. I shook myself hard and the moment passed. A few seconds later I had my equilibrium back and what I was looking at was nothing more or less than the sweetest piece of armor tech I'd ever laid my hands on. Death or no, this was the armor of a person with whom one did _not_ fuck.

The only thing to interrupt the sleek darkness was a delicate inlay of gems centered on the gorget. Eight arrows radiated outward from a central circle of what looked like diamonds, the upward one formed of emeralds, the downward of sapphires. The rest were the gorgeous blue-green of the ocean; I couldn't place the stones immediately. The armor itself was breathtaking, the inlay exquisite. I turned to look at Liara, at a loss for words, an enormous grin plastered stupidly on my face.

She grinned back, Song bouncing with pleasure. She was suddenly all energy and movement. She squatted down beside me and pulled another case over.

"The inlay is based upon the symbol of my clan. It symbolizes the rejection of the single path, the affirmation that there are always an infinite number of directions that may be taken. I took the liberty of balancing us within it."

I traced the inlay with my finger. "It's stunning, Li. No, that's not enough to say. It's perfect." It was – it felt right. And it looked amazing. The inlay made the armor more than just a lovely physical gift. She'd given me – given us - something else. A context. A starting point.

"Open this next." She was like a kid at Christmas, completely forgetting herself, engrossed in sharing my pleasure as we opened the rest of the armor cases.

"The body pieces are Rosenkov, of course. The design incorporates some new technology and alloys of Reaper origin that have come onto the market. Much lighter and stronger than traditional materials. The legpieces are HK – traditional, but I know you favored them and they remain among the best. Armax pauldrons and armpieces, also with the new alloys. Everything color-matched of course; more about that later. For now let us say that I have always found you particularly attractive in black."

She tapped the two helmet cases. "The full helmet is a modified design based on the Cerberus Nightmare, fabricated by a concern run through our network. This is a prototype. The other is a Kuwashii targeting visor designed specifically for long-range ballistics, similar to the one you used to prefer but I believe somewhat improved."

She was entirely caught up in the enthusiasm of describing the details of each piece of equipment. For a moment my shy bookish archaeologist shone through once again, her Song glowing with pleasure and satisfaction. I found that I had stopped listening to what she was saying, captivated instead by the enthusiasm and simplicity of her. I felt a pang of loss, that she had had this persona ripped from her so violently, so early in her life. Still barely an adult chronologically, she was more complex than most Matriarchs. Her youth had been pulled out from under her, mostly - if I were being honest about it - by me.

Who knows, if I hadn't followed my instincts four and a half years ago, if I had resisted the intense gravitational attraction that pulled me into her orbit, she might not have lost as much of that innocence as she did. I wasn't going to fool myself that anyone could have come through the last few years unchanged, and given her crucial knowledge of the Protheans she would have been deeply involved one way or another. But so much would have been different for her. Three years less suffering loss and pain, for starters. All of it exactly one hundred percent my fault. My heart squeezed at the thought.

Without warning she stopped her flow of words, spun on the balls of her feet and tackled me, catching me completely off guard and throwing me flat on my back on the carpeted floor. She was on top of me in an instant, straddling me and grabbing both of my arms, pinning them by the wrists to the floor on either side of my head.

For half a second she looked startled, like she didn't know why she'd jumped me. But in the latter half of that second her eyes shaded halfway to black and she smiled. She had shifted moods in less than a blink. The bubbly archaeologist was gone and it was a darker Liara who looked down at me. Her Song was a half-masked, half swirling complexity of blue harmonies. I could make out hunger, strong desire and an oddly detached possessiveness. I waited, watching her carefully, looking for the markers I'd begun to recognize in the weeks since the discovery of her condition, whatever it was, whatever it was becoming. Trying to estimate her level of control.

"Li. You with me?"

No response for a few seconds, then a slight narrowing of her eyes and a brief nod.

"We're going to do the Q-and-A thing, alright? Like we discussed."

She shook her head. Her eyes focused on my mouth. She wet her lips. I could feel her desire mounting, calling forth a matching response from me. Bad news.

Reacting without thinking I snapped at her, "Li!"

Startled, her eyes flicked back to mine.

"Q-and-A. Rules. Your rules. C'mon. Listen to me, stay with me. Are you _with_ me?"

After a long minute, a nod, reluctant.

"OK. Question: who am I?"

Her gaze roamed my supine form. "Mm. You are Naomi Eirhild Shepard. Mostly."

"What am I to you?"

Her voice went low, husky. To me, intensely erotic, "Ahh… I like this question. What are you? So many things... You are gorgeous and delicious. You are _mine_. You are to be cherished, never _ever_ again to be lost. Held safe, close, so very… very close." As she spoke she leaned in, soft lips brushing mine, warm sweet breath on my cheeks. My arousal spiked. I felt her smile as she sensed it. _Shit shit shit._

"What else? What _else_ am I to you?" I wiggled my trapped hand.

She leaned back, considered again. Glanced at the elaborate silver markings covering my left middle and ring fingers. Gave a small shudder. Her eyes shaded a tiny bit lighter. "You are my… affianced?"

"Exactly. Your bondmate. I'm not going anywhere."

Mistake. Her eyes went pitch black, her expression stricken, then furious. "You have said that before, Naomi Eirhild Shepard, more than once. You left. You _lied_." Her Song flared intense harmonies of accusation that flooded over and into me.

A tear splashed onto my face. Even as I realized that I'd found another clue to understanding her condition, my guilt-demons responded to her Song. They put down their hands of Rummy and exploded outward, shattering all of my defenses like they were made of glass. She was absolutely right. I had lied and lied and lied. To her, to everyone, whatever it took. I'd signed her death warrant the moment I'd loved her and let her love me. That she was too stubborn to die wasn't creditable to me.

I had nothing. I couldn't breathe, couldn't see. Her accusing fury was a blizzard of bitter darkness.

I felt a new reaction grow as the guilt began to drown me. Anger. It wasn't _fair_. There was no other option, never any other option. I had to love her. I'd never been given a fucking _choice_.

Suddenly another anger, inside myself but alien, icy-hot. Anger against Liara for hurting me, flaring as if my own anger was a spark that had landed on an immense, entirely other woodpile of rage. My own turned in an instant to fear.

_Oh no. Don't! Don't you dare!_

_.She is harming you. She is a danger. She must learn that we will not have you hurt._

The rush of alien emotion flickered for an instant, difficult to understand. It felt almost protective. Like…, concern, but with undertones I didn't get. And it was unstable, unsteady, misfiring. Then it snapped back to all-too-comprehensible cold anger.

_Wait—!_

Willy-nilly my Song changed harmonics. It expanded outward, filling the room with an emerald howl that coalesced suddenly back into my body with an implosion of sound and colour. Anywhere Liara was touching me turned incandescent. She yelled in surprise and pain and flung herself to the side, rolling clear of me. The room filled with the smell of burned clothing.

I was on my feet in a flash, over to her and kneeling down. She was lying on her side curled in a ball holding her hands to her chest. She was smouldering, probably with anger but literally as well. Her eyes were tight shut and she was cursing slowly and steadily in the lowest Asari I had ever heard her use. As I reached out to touch her I noticed that both cuffs on my shipsuit were gone, charred away where she had been holding my wrists. Much of the fabric on my thighs where she had knelt astride me was also in tatters, burned more or less through. My skin was untouched, not even warm. Thinking better of it, I pulled my hand back.

"Li?"

She cracked an eye without missing a beat in her cursing. The angry force of that blue-sapphire glare was such an intense relief that I let out my breath with a _woof_ and slumped down beside her, careful not to touch.

"You ok?" I figured such a stupid question would get her talking quickest.

True to form, "I am most certainly _not_ ok, idiot-beloved-_sichan qu'e noc t'alikia!"_

It took me a minute to work it out, then, "Hey! Fuck you. I almost never get paid to have sex with… not sure what that animal is."

"Donkey would be close enough. And I am sure you do not. You undoubtedly set them on fire before you complete the act. _Ahhh!_ _Sor'diame_."

Despite everything I broke out laughing. I felt horrible, guilty beyond guilty. Also extremely angry at the Catalyst, and scared. Tali had been right. It and me, we needed to talk. We needed to work on our relationship.

But if Liara was calling me a shithead, then she was ok and we were probably ok as well.

"I'm so sorry, Li. I got hijacked. I need to sort some crap out with Thing Two, soonest. But on the bright side at least it pulled you back?"

"I know it was not you. I felt your Song change. As to pulling me back, perhaps we can find less sartorially expensive methods?"

"You don't like being set on fire when you get all zippy?"

She grimaced and laughed without much humour, "I do not." She reached out a blackened armored glove, patted my knee forgivingly, winced.

"If I am indeed Ardat-Yakshi, I may be in trouble. It would appear that I have chosen quite a difficult prey."


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:**

Holy quick posting batman. Don't get too excited, still have a lot of chapter 5 to write before I can post it. Action-y stuff, ya know.

Alison

* * *

><p><em><strong>Chapter 4<strong>_

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,

To the last syllable of recorded time;

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more. It is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury

Signifying nothing.

Bill Shakespeare

xxxxx

Feron just stood there, soaking in the sight. "She used to be lovely, but now she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

Garrus snorted in disgust, "Yeah, because matte black is just so darn pretty."

Tali said, "Ignore him, he's just mad because Liara wouldn't paint her in Palavanian national colours."

"Palaven. Palavanian isn't a word. Black shows the dust and dirt more."

Feron rubbed his hands together eagerly, "Oh I don't think the dust will be much of a problem, right Roth? You got my engine running properly, Tali? Finally?"

She saluted, "Oh of course, admiral. I spent every day of your protracted – some would say prolonged, some would say malingering – convalescence elbow-deep in eezo working to provide you with an optimal flying experience."

"Good, good." He wasn't even really listening, attention rapt on the ship. The dockyard had done an impressive job in a short time. She seemed to crouch in the center of the large space, her massive delta-wings with their maneuvering thrusters looking tensed, as if she wanted to leap straight upward through the roof and was just awaiting the word. The new twin turret-mount guns on her lower centerline below the bridge gave her an aggressive facial expression. Coupled with her existing Thanix armament and new color, there was nothing much left that said "transport" other than her copiously boxy center. Even that simply added to her mass and intimidating appearance.

Feron began to walk, making a circuit around her, examining her from every angle.

"She looks terrifying."

"A lot like her owner, yeah."

As they rounded her portside and the side of the ship came fully into view they all stopped in their tracks. On the hull just abaft the bridge below the wings, in a blood red so dark as to be hard to see against the black surround was an eight-arrowed emblem and what was apparently her new name.

"_Nagrind_?"

A voice behind them said, "From my Scandic heritage. Liara likes it. It's variously translated as one of the gates into or fences around Helheim, the realm of the dead. The translation I prefer is 'Death-fence'. Plus we saved cost of paint on two and a half letters."

They all turned to face the tall black-armored Asari who had materialized behind them, apparently out of thin air.

Tali spoke up first, "Well that's very upbeat, isn't it? Black paint, name associated with death. And you, Shepard, all matchy-match. Go team morbid. Your new cloak is working well, I see. Drama queen."

Shepard gave her what could only be described as a wolfish smile. "Making sure everyone is on their proper side of that fence is sorta what we do, not so?"

"Sure, but… I don't know, couldn't we at least _pretend_ to be normal, nice people? Like as a disguise or something?"

Shepard laughed, "You, maybe, little sister. Might be too late for some of us."

Feron looked utterly confused. "Captain? Elina?"

Roth, who had been silently following at Feron's side patted him gently on the shoulder. "Think in outward form only, _meito_. Bioaura unmistakable, it is Shepard."

"But—where is—"

Shepard grinned and stepped forward, extending a hand, human-style. Bemused, Feron clasped it.

"Feron! I'm very happy to see you recovered. Garrus flies like I drive. Having a real pilot – pair of pilots, excuse me – will be a relief. I believe Elina is happy to see you as well. I think she's rather fond of you, in her way. She's fine, by the way, we're still… travelling together, just that I'm at the controls right now."

Comprehension dawned, "Oh, like how you were sort of inside…?"

"Yeah, like that. Look, don't sweat the finer metaphysical points, I don't think anyone here except maybe Madry can really explain it all to you. And she'll explain it far past the point where you want to kill yourself, so ask with caution."

She turned to Roth and saluted, "Flight-lieutenant. Very pleased to meet you. Liara thinks extremely highly of you. Welcome aboard."

Feron gave Roth a puzzled look, which the Salarian studiously ignored.

"Thank you, Commander. Honoured. Shuttle trip was long for a convalescent, am wondering if accommodation might be ready? He should rest."

"I'm perfectly fine—"

"Perfectly stubborn, yes. Perfectly recovered, not as much." Roth's Song flared in protective fond annoyance. Shepard's eyes widened in understanding. She bowed, gesturing to the entryway, "Right this way, if you'll follow me, gentlebeings? I'll show you to your quarters."

"Wait, I need to see my bridge. No telling what Vakarian did to it. Turians are unhygienic."

"Need to see a bed first."

"You're being entirely—"

"Rational, yes. Enough for two, as usual. Follow the Commander more, talk less."

xxxxx

I finally hunted her down in our quarters. She was rarely there during the day and she'd masked herself entirely, so I'd had to really focus. She was working, of course, engrossed in something at the terminal.

I stopped in the doorway, torn. I'd barely seen her the last couple of days. We'd both been working our tails off managing the ship upgrades. We'd barely even crossed paths during sleep cycles. I missed her. I hated interrupting her when she was so focused, though. Brilliant as she was, picking up the myriad threads in her head after having to focus on some dumb question of mine wasn't automatic.

This time, however, she glanced up almost right away, smiled.

I said, "Hey, _Siame. _You were off the grid. Wanted to check in. I'm going to get some food, I can bring you something back?"

She stretched in a way that made my mouth water, gave a tired sigh. "That would be kind of you, Shepard. I cannot take a break, just yet. Bring me back whatever you like, I'd prefer to just eat it here." She gave me a coy look, "If you bring back food for both of us, we can eat it here, together. I will be done in an hour. After that..."

I didn't need telling twice. "I'll be back in a jiff."

I grabbed a couple of dinners and heated them up. It was aggravating being confined to the ship but we'd all agreed that keeping a low profile was safest, at least until we were ready to jet. Getting stuck on Illium with the ship half disassembled and a mob howling at the door didn't appeal.

We ate in silence, me lost in my thoughts and Liara working steadily, one hand absently reaching out from time to time to convey a piece of food to her mouth. After I was done I lay back on the bed and rested, watching her. I wondered if the day would ever come – hoping it wouldn't – when I didn't have it so bad for her that even watching her work was in my top ten fun things to do. I sighed. I was turning into more of a sappy marshmallow every day. I needed someone to piss me off, put some vinegar back in my _ki_.

Pondering this, I of course fell asleep.

To be poked awake some time later by an impatient finger and a lovely warm weight on top of me.

"Wake up, lazy human. You are always sleeping. I have decided to forgive you for setting me ablaze."

I blinked at her. She was lying on top of me. "You mean that one literal time, as opposed to the many, many, many figurative ones?"

The poking turned into gentle tickling.

"Ah. You just made it harder for yourself," she said. "Now, you may only have the rest of your presents if you do not laugh." She moved her hands to my sides. Nerve endings were nerve endings, Asari or human. We'd discovered early on that Elina was horribly ticklish; a secret to be carefully guarded, not at all in keeping with her kickass rep. I had to bite my lip as Liara targeted the really bad spots. I couldn't stop my body from twitching and convulsing, but aside from some undignified whining I held my laughter in check. To make it worse she began moving on top of me, tickling other areas in a very different way. My temperature rose.

Eventually she relented. "Alright, Shepard. Do you promise not to set me on fire?"

"I promise. No more than strictly necessary."

"Good enough. If you can manage to get out of bed, my sloth, I want to watch you open the rest of your gifts."

She'd gone masked, so I couldn't get a clear read. Mostly mischievous. She squirmed on top of me once more just to be an ass, then rolled off leaving me groaning with frustration. We moved over to the pile and knelt down. She slid over the largest remaining case. I had all of the armor pieces, so what—

"Just _open_ it."

I cracked the seals and lifted the lid.

Black metal shapes cradled in black shipping foam so the first thing I processed was the red "M-98-III" lettering. My heart stopped and my breath quit like it had been pink-slipped.

She was _beautiful_. Reverently I pulled her free of the case, held her in my arms. I touched the catch and she extended with a sexy _ka-chunk_ of oiled metal. She was midnight black and heavy as shit, at best a kilo or two lighter than Baby. She had the same arrow inlay as my armor inset beautifully into the stock. She had a variety of scratches and her muzzle paint was scarred – she'd been fired, many times, she had combat history. She'd killed. No hot-off-the-presses piece of tarted-up tech, this. I looked over at Li who was beaming at my awestruck expression.

I had no words. "Oh. _My_. _Wow_."

"She came out of an Alliance fabrication plant as a prototype about two weeks prior to the Reapers reaching Earth. The plant was destroyed in the initial attack, so there was no time to get this version into production. Only this and two of her prototype sisters saw combat. I was unable to locate either of the others, their owners were fleet-based and did not survive. So, she is unique. A thermal scope and HVB extension are in those cases."

"Her last owner?"

"A mechanized-armor division Marine, one Major Mzembi. The major was quite attached to this gun, Shepard. For a time it seemed I might need to kill to acquire her for you. The major used her during the final days of the war on Earth. However, we eventually struck a deal and he is currently getting accustomed to a lovely new Mark IV. I did not want that model for you. It has been toned down significantly to allow for non-armor-assisted use."

I had a sudden quailing thought. "My human body, back then. I mean… I was augmented, I could take the kickback. E.'s body – it's strong but it's just Asari. I might not be able to handle her, especially with mods." The thought was surprisingly devastating. More than ever I wanted my old body back, Cerberus built or not. It had been one tough sonofabitch, able to do everything I asked it to.

Liara just looked at me like I was stupid. "Shepard. Have you not yet put it together?"

"Put what together?"

"Your Song. It is different than others. You impinge on fourspace effortlessly. You break things. You often melt or burn things." She waggled her fingers at me. "You never had biotic abilities in your human form but you have not accessed any of those abilities so far within Elina's body. I suspect because you do not need to - if you wish to manipulate the physical, you instinctively use your Song. In fact, for you they may be essentially the same thing."

"But how does that help with this?"

"It means, my deliberately obtuse one, that you are not necessarily limited by your physical body. If you wish to fire this weapon, I believe your Song can and will form part of the equation. I do not think the recoil will be an issue, if you do not wish it to be. It will be illuminating to find out, at any rate."

I processed this for a moment. It was true, my Song tended to cause far more here-and-now disruption than that of those around me. The medbay repair bills and Li's hands could attest to that.

"When can I try her out?"

"There is a private firing range not far from this facility. Garrus and Tali have been after me to let them spend some time on a proper range. They both feel out of practice. I imagine they would welcome you accompanying them. There is time. We have easily twenty-four hours before our earliest possible departure."

"What about you?"

"I have far too much to get through before we leave. Go and make large holes in things. I know you like that. But first…?"

I grinned at her and crawled forward, forcing her to scoot backward up against the bulkhead. Once I had her cornered I kissed her, very slowly. When we broke, we were both breathing heavily. I was suddenly fed up with not being naked. My hands started working at the clasps on her suit.

"But first, dear Doctor, I must say thank you. I was raised, after all, with manners."

xxxxx

The range was a nice one, with several fully private firing galleries as well as the central space. At first the Salarian greeter refused to allow me permission to fire my new toy, but after Garrus had a chat with the owner and a sufficient quantity of credits changed hands, we were ushered into a gallery through a door simply marked "Heavy".

It was a standard, simple set up with two side-by-side firing points. I let Garrus and Tali warm up while I field-stripped the Widow, partly because it felt like Christmas and I wanted to fondle every piece of her, but practically of course to make sure I was familiar with her nuances and to check that all was in working order.

After a few minutes I had her back together and suddenly realized I was quite anxious. I laughed. Garrus turned, "What's up Shepard? You ready?"

Tali said, "She's nervous, don't rush her."

I grinned at her sheepishly. So much for my Song-masking. I'd forgotten to focus on it while I was absorbed in pulling the Widow apart. I hadn't yet made it to the automatic-pilot state that Liara, Madry and Tali had all reached, where they could mask their Song effectively even while focusing on other things.

I came clean as I stood up, shook out my arms and stepped up to the firing point. "I'm twitchy, yeah. She's going to pack a massive kick and I don't want to piss off my landlord. You know what Elina can be like."

Garrus shuddered, "Ugh, yeah. You bust her shoulder and next time you look in the mirror she's going to show up and give you the _look_."

"What look?"

"You know. The _look_."

Tali said, "The one where you're an oozing diseased bug and she's trying to figure out if you're even worth squashing?"

"That's it."

"Ok you two, not helping. Li suggested I use my Song to control things but I have absolutely no idea how to do that. So here's the plan. I'm just going to wing it, like an idiot."

"Since when is that ever _not_ the plan, Shepard?"

"Since fuck off. And shut up."

I brought her up to my shoulder, nestled her in against my armor and sighted. I was using the normal scope and no extension, for now. Baby steps with the new baby.

As soon as I looked through the scope all of my nervousness vanished. There was the target in the crosshairs and this was what I was born to do. A pleasant firmness settled over my whole body and suddenly the Widow didn't weigh a thing.

I fired.

She roared and kicked almost exactly like Baby but I had her re-centered fast, my whole body just moving the way it had to. I didn't have to think about it. Without even blinking I was looking through the scope at my previous shot. It had punched a Baby-sized hole through the target and through a good thickness of the plascrete backwall. I fired a second time, third, fourth and fifth, the roars deafening, the massive rounds happy to go where I sent them, the gun returning to the ready with astonishing eagerness. Her recoil compensation was better than Baby's, letting me fire much faster.

Even before I pulled my eye off the scope I was laughing with pleasure. "Did you see? That was fucking _awesome_. I am officially in love."

Garrus gave me a slow clap and clicked his mandibles thoughtfully. "Impressive, Shepard. Not bad. Hey, for a chronically dead human in a rental Asari, not bad at _all_."

Tali was watching me, head tilted quizzically. "I don't think you have to worry about the 'how' concerning your Song, Shepard. You flared up like a beacon while you were firing. And you _barely_ moved."

"I did? I didn't?"

"Yeah. Which I guess is only going to be a problem if you're cloaking or whatnot and you're targeting Song-sensitives. You're Song's still pretty… uh, shiny."

I rolled my arm, feeling for any soreness in the shoulder joint. I could feel that the Widow had kicked me, but between the new armor and my Song, it appeared that I could fire her safely. I let out a sigh of relief.

We talked a bit more and then returned to firing, taking turns, providing each other feedback, tweaking our weapons until they were operating the way we liked. I put the thermal scope and HVB on the gun and continued, getting used to the increased kick and jump until the owner came in and asked if I might perhaps be nearly done, as the rear wall of the range was starting to crack. After that I switched out to my heavy pistol and worked until it all felt natural again.

As we worked, between the rounds of relaxed banter I began to get flashbacks, memories of other ranges, of missions with these two beside me, missions with others. Far too many of them now dead or vanished out of my life. Some memories horribly sad, _Kasumi_. I had failed her so badly. One small easy decision and she'd probably still be alive, stealing away to her heart's content. Anger flared at that and I emptied an entire clip with one long yell, my aim going to shit but not caring at all, Tali and Garrus saying nothing, giving me space.

When I had emptied the clip I just stood for a minute, seeing nothing, staring at ghosts. Ash, Kas, Thane, Mordin, poor Kaiden. All of them in a pale line beside me, protecting my flank as I cleared the paths ahead.

Eventually I realized that the room was silent, Tali and Garrus just waiting patiently for the mood to pass. It was almost irksome, how well they still seemed to know me, despite everything we'd all come through, despite the incredibly different paths we'd taken to get here, the different paths we were still on. There were very few guarantees to be had, nothing that said we'd be together long. I hoped we would, but it was a new universe and I wasn't at all sure of the role I was going to need to take in it.

I shook off the downer mood, returned the Widow and my pistol to their hardpoints and surprised them by hugging each of them in turn. Both stiffened but then returned the embrace, Garrus laughing, "I'm completely not comfortable having T'Vezri come at me like that, Shepard. She packs a hell of a mean kick."

"Turian, you forget. _Infiltrator_. If I were to 'come at you', you'd be dead before you knew I was there."

Garrus snorted derisively, "You always talk a mean game, Shepard, but I don't buy it. Somehow I'm just not all that scared of you. Familiarity, contempt, breeding, you know. Plus all I have to do is complain to Liara and she'll have you toeing her line like a good little girl in no time."

"You did _not_ just."

"Oh I did just. What's your human expression? _Whipped_."

"Right. That does it. I challenge you to a duel. Drinks at five paces, last person standing gets the badass of the month award, with the little plaque."

"You going to flap those purple lips all day or are you coming? Don't know about you but I can't take any more shiptime without a break. I know a place, nice and disreputable. I doubt anyone there ever went near a church, so we'll probably be alright when you pass out on your third drink and get all glowy. 'Course it's gonna be sort of embarrassing for your followers when I have to carry your sorry divine ass through the streets to get home."

xxxxx

"Liara. We've caught a break." Hackett was pacing rapidly, hands behind his back.

"What do you have?"

"The past few months as you know from the reports we've made some progress spotting infiltrators. So we're losing fewer ships. What isn't in the reports is that the Turians have developed some very useful tech. Passive devices, very hard to detect. We have larger ones embedded in our ships, less powerful ones can be surgically implanted. They continuously record a wide variety of data and can burst-transmit at extremely high speed when they get a trigger signal. The kicker is that they burst-transmit over a random Songspace dimensional path specified by the trigger signal, so the burst is very hard to spot. We embed random trigger signals in our general transmission traffic."

"We got lucky about two weeks ago and received a blip from a stolen frigate. It showed up not far from Sadacia in the Taurus cluster. Long story short we managed to disable and board it before they blew themselves up. To date we've not taken anyone alive, their conditioning is too intense. They kill themselves rather than permit capture."

"Anyway, all but a few of the crew were dead. We'd blown out their atmo, a lucky set of hits that took out most compartments. There were only three alive. Two suicided but the third, a human, alliance crew from a vessel stolen months ago, was unconscious and we took him."

"Have you been able to free him from the conditioning?"

"We thought we had unraveled it, but their Songshaping is getting very sophisticated. We just weren't sure. So we made a Plan B – we implanted a passive recorder without his knowledge. He seemed fine, so we released him back to duty. Turns out we hadn't unraveled it all and he bolted. We made it look difficult but we let him go in the end and he vanished."

"Here's where you come in. We just received a partial blip from his recorder, but garbled and cut short. It was just enough to pinpoint his location. We need your skills, and Shepard's. We want intel. Go in, don't be seen. See if you can get a full burst with a closer trigger. Also if possible give us eyes and ears on wherever he is. But you _can't_ be spotted or they'll bolt. Don't risk it. Doable?"

Liara nodded, "Yes, Admiral, quite. The timing is fortuitous, we were planning to lift tomorrow anyway. We can be underway within a few hours."

"I'll transmit what we have, then. Good luck."

xxxxx

We continued our razzing all the way to the bar. Garrus hadn't been exaggerating, it was a dive. Dim, sticky, with an unidentifiable smell that we could only hope wasn't too organic. I instantly liked the place; Illium had always felt like a planet with a stick up its ass; a genuine as-bad-as-Omega piece of it was a welcome change.

Our heavy armament didn't even raise eyebrows but it did ensure we found an empty table. Within a few minutes we were further armed with drinks and we relaxed, trash-talking amicably. It was good to be off the boat, to stretch our physical and mental legs. _Nagrind_ was a good home but dirtside air, even stinking, was always nice. We settled in to our current default argument, careful to keep things general.

"If you'd just air a series of vids on the 'net denouncing the Conc-heads as not representing you, they'll lose support."

"Airing anything is just going to whip everyone up. I don't think people listen to the nuances of the message in cases like this. Besides, I don't look like me. It'll just cause confusion they can exploit. We need to take care of this behind the scenes."

"That's the infiltrator in you talking. Wars can be won and lost purely on PR, you know that. Hey, what the hell ever happened to that Diana Allers person? _She_ knew how to spin a story."

"No idea, I was dead at the time."

"There you go with that same old excuse."

We finished off the first round fairly quickly and Garrus waved to the server, giving the universal symbol for "hit us again." A minute later the young human appeared in front of us with a fresh round. He laid down the drinks with professional speed and then unexpectedly asked me in a shy voice, "Excuse me, ma'am, but I wonder if you have heard The Song?"

Instantly all three of us tensed. I took a closer look at him. His Song was… odd, not exactly dysphonic but muddled, harmonics randomly cancelling one another rather than building together to form a coherent whole. It almost felt like I was looking at two conflicting souls inhabiting the same body. It was very off-putting, contrasting badly with the strong, elegant Songs of my shipmates.

I answered as carefully and nonchalantly as I could. "Uh… look, kid. We're just here for a few drinks, alright? I'd be happy to discuss theology with you some other time. I'm probably not the person you want to ask, though, not really my thing."

He blushed and nodded, turning to move away. I was just beginning to breathe a little sigh of relief when _he continued his turn, pulling a heavy pistol from beneath the tray_ as he spun, his Song suddenly wildly discordant.

All three of us were already in motion but Garrus was fastest, throwing his body sideways into the shot as the young man fired at me almost point-blank.

Everything spun down. In slow motion I saw the round strike Garrus' armored chest just beside the shoulder, punch the plating inward. I even had enough time to evaluate the positioning – not fatal, but nasty enough. He was going to be out of action for this fight, anyway. Everything slowed even further as my whole being flooded with a too-familiar flavor of rage. Rage against this human in particular but also against any who would hurt those under my care. A supremely cold rage, but less detached than before. It felt… personal.

_Fuck, don't! I can-_

As before the rage brushed aside my attempts to block it and took control. I reached out with my Song and simply grabbed the young human, Song, body and all. My rage started to rip his Song from his body even though the rest of me was screaming at myself to stop. Uselessly; the rage would not be denied. Time slowed almost to a full stop. There was only me, my rage a thing apart and the human's terrified Song caught out of time. My rage-self ripped at it while the rest of me resisted, desperately Singing an anchor in his body, playing a horrific tug-of-war with his entire being.

For an instantaneous eternity I fought myself to a stalemate. And then I began to lose. As my rage stormed and pulled, my anchor in the young man's body began to slip, his body-Song boundary beginning to shift like sand beneath me. I desperately tried to compensate, harmonics, melodies trying to hold his Song to his physical form. But under my very Singing, his fourspace solidity began to evaporate, material essence _unravelling, _a chain reaction.

Unravelling into Song.

The insight came too late, came as his body flared, shimmered and transformed, expanding into a glorious beauty, a cascade of colors and harmonies, another series of themes within the Song of what he was. Obvious. One and the same thing. No shell at all, no duality. One thing in different states. Ice and water and steam.

I had a billionth of an instant to process this before the cascade of energy hit me. There was no time to scream; there was no time at all where we were. No time before my rage was devouring him, absorbing all of his memories, loves hopes and fears. Unable to halt the flow, I absorbed memories of a difficult childhood, of disillusioned young adulthood, terror during the war, hiding, of the Concordat, true fervent belief, being approached by the inner circle, the training, the fogginess, the glory of comprehension. The memory of the message a few moments ago directing that the tall Asari was to be eliminated for the glory of The Shepard. The gun, the shot, the blinding emerald pain, the knowledge of impending annihilation, the void. Mateo Everett Marin, born on Eden Prime, the twenty-seven year old drifter who had fallen in love with all things Asari and so had come to Illium to seek a better life.

_Erased_.

And the vast energy contained in his Song, body and soul, now filling me, searing me. It was like I'd drunk a bucket of lava and it was burning its way out through my guts. Time sped back up with a roar. I watched Garrus finish his fall, I watched the tray as it bounced, the gun as it clattered to the ground. I saw the empty space Mateo Marin had occupied less than two seconds ago, nothing left, not even a scorch on the floor. Within another five seconds I was me again, fully back in the world and in utter shock, my whole being blazing, alight with sickening stolen energy. The bodysuit beneath my armor was smouldering, charring, I could smell it. I felt sickeningly sure that if I didn't get a handle on the energy I was going to actually explode. The Catalyst had vanished. The pain was bad enough, but the horror of what I'd just experienced, of what I'd just done…

It felt like the hardest thing I'd ever done, but I clamped down on the energy, crushing it into a white-hot sphere in my midsection. I pushed the horror to the back of my mind for later and smashed the table out of the way, dropping to my knees beside my friend. He was already trying to get up. I pressed down on his uninjured side, keeping him prone. He began swearing violently.

"Shepard—_spirits_, that hurts."

At first I thought he was talking about the bullet but then realized I was burning him where my hand touched. I yanked it back, talked to him instead. "Lie still, G. Flesh wound, but it was a heavy weapon and it looks to be right in there. We're going to get you out of here, get you patched." I took a rapid look around, assessing. There was some amount of chaos but little panic as people finished scrambling to get clear of our immediate area. It wasn't the kind of place where one stopped to help someone in need. It was the kind of place where one got the hell out of the way when things went south. That suited me fine. What suited me less fine was the lack of panic. These were tough customers, not easily scared, and level heads would be asking questions soon. Very soon if the signature of my Song had been recognized in the few seconds I had taken to destroy Marin.

Garrus groaned and stopped trying to get up but started moving his head, eyes flicking about. "Where's the shooter?"

"He's gone. Lie still." No way I was talking or even thinking about _that_ yet. Tali dropped down beside me, focused solely on Garrus, reaching for him. I grabbed for a medigel pack, thought better of it. "Tali. Wound isn't too bad. I've got gel, but I can't touch anything, I'm too hot. Can you dose him? And call for pickup. I'll watch our six."

She hesitated, turned her reach into a swat, "Shit. Shit, shit, shit, you stupid Turian. On it." It took her only a few seconds. Her eyes went wide as she processed the state of my Song. "_Keelah_, Shepard, you're on _fire._"

I clenched my teeth, focusing on controlling the sphere of energy. "Yeah, I know. Hurry." Everyone in the bar was looking at us now. I couldn't focus enough to establish a mask. Someone was going to recognize me any second, if they hadn't already.

She applied the medigel expertly, then got keyed in and talking to Madry.

"Garrus has taken a shot, Madry. Ambush. Maybe a set-up. We need evac. Fast as you can."

Madry was on top of it in her immediate, unflappable way. "I have signalled a medical team that is in your vicinity – best I can ascertain – by chance. Unlikely to be part of a set-up. Can he be treated here or do we need a medical facility?"

Tali looked at me with the question. I said, "Back to the ship is safest. Don't worry about a set-up. He was directed remotely, acting alone. We were made before we got here. More importantly, we have to get out of here."

"Med team eta is five minutes."

The panic was gone and curiosity was starting to coalesce, replacing caution. There were a good few Songs scaling upward fast, excited… _oh, fuck me blind. _Damn my Song-signature's high brand recognition. We had to get _gone_. I and anyone with me were likely to get mobbed. If we were lucky.

I whispered to them, "_Fuck_. We don't have five minutes. Alright, change of plans." I gripped Garrus' arm, forgetting how hot I was. He hissed, I let go. "Sorry pal, you able to move?"

He just grunted and nodded like the badass he was.

"Alright. Out the back, past the bar, service entrance must be there. Pick up a cab back to _Nagrind_. I'm going to create a mess, hold everyone off you. It'll get dark in here, move fast when the lights go. I'll rdv back at the ship later. Be ready."

"Your Song—"

"I'll _handle_ it."

_Best way out is always through._

I stood up, pulled my pistol and fired a shot into the ceiling, which got everyone's attention. Not that I really needed to. My armor was almost aglow and my Song was whiplashing emerald symphonics everywhere, almost into the visible and audible spectra.

I shouted, so as to be heard over the hubbub, "Oy! Listen up! You're all wondering what the fuck you just saw happen. What you _saw_ was my best friend getting shot. He's leaving now, and you are all going to stay exactly where you are."

There was a cry from somewhere in the crowd, "Look at her Song! It's The Shepard!" Another voice called out, "Idiot, The Shepard is human!" Another, "You're wrong, asshole! It's her! The Shepard is in all people, it's her!" Another, "The Shepard has returned to us!" The volume in the bar escalated instantly, shouts and arguments. The main entrance banged open as some of the more cautious patrons beat feet. _Dammit_. A fight broke out. Some fucker started singing a hymn.

I had to fire two more shots into the ceiling – hoping there wasn't anyone directly above – to get their attention back on me. Garrus and Tali were moving toward the back. My rage flared again at their vulnerability. I shouted louder, "You think I'm Shepard? Do you? Because if you do, right now you should be running. You all goddamned know what happens to people who fuck with Shepard's friends. They _die_. Every. Single. One. _Dies_."

Such was the menace in my voice and Song, the bar actually went quiet.

I snarled, "If I'm Shepard, you're all _screwed_. And you know what?"

I could hear every Song in the bar and they could hear me. No need to shout anymore, I just hammered it straight into their beings with all the force my rage could muster.

_.You're absolutely fucking right. I am._

I lashed out with my Song, a relief, full of stolen strength. I'd absorbed a single human existence but it felt like my Song had expanded tenfold. Emerald fountained out of me, flooding the room, filling it with green radiance, buffeting everyone. I could see and hear all of their Songs, masked or not, clear as day, shocked recognition now universal. For an instant I felt the Catalyst's hunger, felt how easy it would be to erase and consume the lot of them. I could handle the energy. The Catalyst could handle it. _No._

Instead I visualized the lights and the wall of liquor bottles behind the bar exploding simultaneously. They all obliged, plunging the room into a dark chaos lit only by the equally chaotic green vortex of my Song. I sensed Tali and Garrus slip away. As soon as they were clear I let my anger loose, ramped it up, flooding the area with both Songspace and audible harmonics and colors in innumerable dimensions. I was going on gut feel, the Song equivalent of a battle scream. I wanted the message to be plain. I let it rip for almost half a minute. Shattering, crashing sounds. People were covering their ears, dropping and rolling, howling in pain.

Eventually I managed to rein in my anger. I masked myself as best I could and activated my tac cloak for good measure even though the room was dark. I started counting to myself as I traced the route I'd laid out in my head, following Garrus and Tali toward the rear, slipping through the door into the kitchen as quickly as I could. The lights were still on in here and there was a cook sprawled on the floor, still breathing but unconscious. Tali's work. My Song masking collapsed, the nova-hot core of stolen energy in my gut ripping it apart.

I managed to get outside just as I shimmered back into visibility. Blessedly dark, the sun well set and the street badly lit. I began moving, not running, just a steady walk, fast as I could, taking deep lungfuls of the fetid back-alley air as I went, concentrating on staying unexploded. It felt like I didn't have much time.

_Thing Two… please. I need help, dammit._

Silence. It made no sense. I died, it died, right? But there wasn't the faintest stir.

Plan B, then. I had to get back to _Nagrind_. Madry could help, maybe. She'd dealt with this kind of thing before.

There was no sign of Tali and Garrus, they must have hit a lift right away. Tali had probably called one before they'd started to move. I kept walking, weaving a bit as I keyed in a request on my omni. Two minutes and a long almost deserted block later a cab hummed down beside me. My condition was worsening rapidly. Moving too fast, I stumbled and braced a hand on the doorframe to catch myself. My Song flared out of control for an instant, melting half of the door into slag and setting off the taxi's damage alarms. It settled to the ground, immobilized until a repair team could arrive. It wasn't going anywhere.

_Shit._

I staggered off half a block and called a different taxi line. Thankfully another cab arrived within half a minute. More careful this time, I climbed in and muttered my destination to the VI.

As I flew into the night I could only hope that the taxi would get me back before I set it on fire or worse. Basic physics suggested that if I'd absorbed anything like the energetic equivalent of, say, eighty kilos of mass, it pretty much made me a walking H-bomb. And one with a dodgy timer. Illium was a crowded planet; there wasn't much selection if one was hunting for a convenient unpopulated desert or ocean in which to detonate. In fact, there were no deserts at all and the nearest ocean was hours away at ground-transport speed. Not an option. I needed a bomb de-fuser. Which meant I had no choice but to endanger my friends. I willed the taxi to hurry.

xxxxx

_Nagrind's_ engines were already rumbling basso impatience when I arrived, all the gantries retracted. Only the main loading ramp was still down. Walking was beyond me at this point so I just rolled out of the cab onto the ground. I was practically glowing, smoking as the padded bodysuit beneath my armor continued to char away.

My omni shorted out in a burst of sparks even as I tried to comm through. Fuck.

_Li? Mads? Tali? Can you hear? I might need a little help. Madry?_

I felt Madry's silvery Song brush me almost right away, recoil in surprise, Liara's right behind, equally shocked, far more worried.

_.Commander! Do not move. Liara, it is alright. I can help._

_.Are you sure? She is burning. Shepard-?_

_Mads has me, Li. I'm willing to bet she knows what she's doing. Get us prepped, we'll be right there._

_.Alright. _Her worry was palpable. _.If you die again I will be more than furious with you, especially if you damage my ship._

_Understood. I'll try to explode in the other direction._

_.Do not even-_

Madry appeared beside me, a frown of concentration on her face. She didn't waste time with words.

_.Hush, Liara. Let me work. Commander, show me what happened._

I opened up, let her Share in my recent memories. I sensed her Song hum and pulse in surprise and a rather disturbing fascination as she relived what I'd done to poor Mateo.

_.What you did to this human is entirely new to my experience, Commander. I must spend some time analyzing the details. Fascinating. It seems to be no more than a kind of format change, really. There, do you see? When the harmonics shift and the attendant particles transition away from fourspace-compatible phasing? The body Song-pattern is entirely intact—_

_Mads, please. Very interesting but I'm a bit worried about the kaboom._

_.Yes, yes, were we to do nothing, you might well explode. You do not need to be so dramatic about it. Things explode all the time. The Captain carried far more energy than this for months without complaining. It is all in the way you allocate it. You have it very poorly stored. It must be dreadfully uncomfortable. Shall I show you how to adjust? It will involve a small bit of Shaping. With your permission?_

_Oh, yes. As quick as you like._

Madry's silver-white Song flowed over me. It was glorious relief, like falling into a snowdrift. Right away the burning receded as her Song interposed itself, wrapping me in a cocoon of music and color. I felt a tiny shiver in my Song as she adjusted the harmonics, as part of the stolen energy moved further from me, still bound to my Song but less immediate. Like she'd opened a door into a room in my house that I hadn't known was there and filled it with some of the overflow. She did it again and again until I began to see how it was done.

_.Look, listen. Do you sense what I am doing? You must simply partition the energy, move it away from yourself. Try._

I worked at it, following her lead. It was surprisingly natural, once I knew what to do. The pain faded steadily.

_Can't I just dump it? It's not energy I want. I mean, I—_

I couldn't complete the thought. What I'd done to Mateo wasn't something I had any way to ethically compartmentalize. I didn't have defense mechanisms for something like this. I was every bit as bad – or worse – than I'd feared from the moment I'd lived the Catalyst's thoughts about Garrus. I was _exactly_ that monster.

Madry either didn't pick up on the full emotion or chose to ignore it, answering only the technical question.

_.Once assimilated it is actually far harder to remove energy than to store it. It would be like severing a limb. For example when you integrated with the Captain's body I believe the Catalyst shifted an enormous amount of your Song energy for you, storing it away in some manner so that her body was not destroyed. Here, while we are so closely connected I can most likely trace—_

Her Song did the equivalent of stopping dead in its tracks.

_.Oh._

_What? What 'oh'?_

Her Song took on a slightly awestruck tone, _.Another way to manage energy is to create linkages with other Songs. This is how we believe the Relay network operates. You can then move energy between Songs with whom you are linked. Storage nodes in a network, as it were. You may have experienced this phenomenon of energy transference with Liara. Your linkage with her is extremely strong._

_I can hear a 'but'. Or an 'and'. I hear a conjunction. Spit it out._

_.The 'but' is that you have tens of thousands of linkages, Commander. Perhaps more. More than I can reliably enumerate. They are webbed out from a portion of your Song that is difficult to perceive, even by you. Yes. Your Catalyst-self I suspect; this is where the energy went – into the creation of these linkages. Brilliant. Very sensible._

_What do you mean linked? Linked to what?_

_.Your Song is connected to thousands upon thousands of Reaper creatures. The connection is very fine, likely not detectable by them, but it gives you access to all of the Song energy in each and every one. I cannot fathom the total amount. I do not know how powerful you once were, but were you to absorb all of this linked energy – and survive – you would be unspeakably strong. Of course to do so you would have to annihilate all of these creatures in the same way you did the human. But that would not be technically difficult._

_xxxxx_

Li's Song impinged my shock _.Shepard, are you alright?_

Madry replied for me,_ .The Commander is fine. We are done adjusting the energy she absorbed. Liara, she assimilated it in such a novel way. I am very eager to discuss with you-_

Liara cut her off, _.I am sorry, Madry. Discussions must wait. Please, come aboard as quickly as you can. We are leaving._

The urgency was unmistakable. I rolled to my feet as soon as I felt Madry's Song move apart from mine. I felt wonderful, full of energy and strength. Also, less on fire. I turned to face her.

I'd lived with this quirky, cheerful, enigmatic being for months, but now, perhaps because of the intimacy of our Song sharing, it felt like I could actually _see_ her. She stood in front of me, a young woman, thin, pale-skinned and dark haired. Her pupilless silver eyes gazed back at me. She didn't look like she could lift a brick – technically true – but as I watched her silvery Song whiplash lazily around her projected form the conviction crystallized in my mind that I was beholding the genesis of the most powerful entity that the galaxy had ever known. The thought was surprisingly comforting.

I bowed formally. "Thank you, Mads. Thanks for saving my life. Again."

She smiled, a beautiful, entirely heartfelt blossom of happiness. She bowed back.

"Any time at all, Commander."

I grinned back. "C'mon, we better hop."

I raced up the ramp. Madry winked out and reappeared ahead of me in the cargo hold. I punched the ramp switch and with a rumble it started to close.

She said, "Commander, when we have time, I think it would be prudent for me to guide you through more of your internal Songscape. I think you need to understand better than you do how you are put together. You are quite complicated."

"Yeah, I hear you. Thing Two has been playing monkeyshines with too many parts of me. I need to get up to speed. But first things first. Let's get off this rock in one piece."

As soon as the ramp boomed shut Liara's voice came over the comms.

"Feron, Roth, let us make our farewells. Get us spaceside as quickly as you like, please and thank you."

"Aye, Liara."

_Shit. Garrus._ I commed, "Garrus ok?"

"Yes, Shepard. They arrived about ten minutes before you. He is stabilized. Tali believes the autodoc can extract the bullet. He has had much worse." There was worry in her voice, "You are sure you are alright? If you can, perhaps you could join me in the network centre? I believe you will want to see this."

"I'm fine, thanks to Mads. There in a sec."

Liara was watching the newsfeeds. Of course they'd picked it up right away. The clip had obviously been taken on someone's omni. It showed jostling bodies at first, then a clear view of me and Tali kneeling over Garrus. I stood up. And then… Well, they'd caught the entire thing. When I exploded into green fire like some denizen of an off-colour Hell the person recording lost their balance and fell. The visual got blocked, but you could hear everything all too clearly - exploding bottles, lights, the shouts, yells and screams. The chaos escalated as I really let loose, the vid's audio becoming an undifferentiated howl, the visuals random as the owner rolled around yelling on the floor. Then sudden silence and pitch darkness, moans and groans. The visual steadied as the person got to hands and knees, then the sound of retching. Liara cut the feed, turned to me with a worried frown.

I shrugged. I'd gone through way too much in the last two hours to know what to say or even think. "Cat's out of the bag?"

"I do not know what that means, Shepard. You could have been killed ten different ways in that encounter. Why did you go to a _bar_, of all places?"

"It was a bad call. Garrus thought it'd be off the radar. I went with it. We fucked up. And I killed some poor kid who was just a Concordat victim. I'm not sure if I'm sorry we're out in the open. Mostly I'm not. They must have been onto us before the bar; at least now we know they know."

I felt a seething rage boil up. "And I also know just how off the gloves are. I need to go after them. Soon."

She nodded, "Better than soon. Now. I have accepted a mission from the Admiral. That is where we are headed. It is time to hunt."

A wash of relief flowed over me. A _mission_. For a short time, a chance at clarity and direction and not thinking too much about unanswerable questions.

"We're going to fuck the Concordat up, Li. All the way."


End file.
